


I Think I'm in Love with You

by Maels (queen_ypolita)



Category: Coronation Street
Genre: 20000-30000 words, Coming Out, Fix-It, M/M, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-07-05
Updated: 2004-07-04
Packaged: 2017-10-04 13:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queen_ypolita/pseuds/Maels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Todd has just come out amidst much drama and is now trying to rebuild his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story grew out my frustration with the storyline, so I wrote it to address the most annoying aspects, and give the coming out a bit more positive turn. Although the story ended up having 15 parts, the instalments reflected the writing process rather than the structure of the story.

The second day of Todd's compassionate leave from Dev's shop. He's bored. He's already spent a week doing nothing and is dying to have something to do to pass the time. At first he was just too numb to react to Dev's treatment of him, now he's slowly getting angry. He has realised he quite likes being angry at the moment, and not just at Dev. At Steve too, for selling the house and not telling his mother. And at his mother and Jason for their well-meaning concern for him. At Karl for first seducing him and then dumping him. At Sarah for cutting him out of Bethany's life. At the Platts for alienating him from rest of the Street. At himself for falling for Karl, failing to be honest to himself, being a coward and causing all that pain to people he loved. Anger is good, it masks his other feelings, stops him from feeling his losses.

His boss the head porter called him in the afternoon, offering to extend his unpaid leave but even to his own surprise he said no. Suddenly he wanted to be part of the buzz of hospital life. At least there will be things to do, people to meet who don't know about everything that's been going on in his life during the past couple of weeks. People who don't know about Karl, the break-up with Sarah, about Billy. He knows hospital staff must be gossiping about things but he doesn't care any more.

When Eileen and Jason come home the three of them sit down to have their tea, accompanied by increasingly forced small talk about their days. Todd is mostly quiet and examines his feelings. He's quite calm now, realising that Billy's death doesn't really hurt any more. For a moment he feels guilty but then he realises that in all likelihood sadness and grief will come again at some time, that grief seems to come in waves, the first are massive but there are lulls between them when you can collect yourself and keep on living, followed by new smaller waves. But tonight he feels fairly content.

* * *

In the morning he's almost regretting his decision to go back to work in the hospital. He gets dressed reluctantly and takes his time getting downstairs to face his mother's questions. She sees his uniform and immediately raises her eyebrows.

'You're going to work?'

He nods and gets himself some tea and toast. He feels slightly queasy but forces himself to eat something.

'Why now?' she insists.

'The head porter called me yesterday, offered to extend my leave but I told him no, I'll be back today. This doing nothing drives me crazy.'

She looks at him for a moment, then shrugs.

'Well, if that's how you feel. Just take it easy, will you?'

He nods and gets up.

'I'm off then. See you later.'

* * *

At the hospital, he feels nervous about facing other porters. But then he sees Phil the head porter who looks haggard after a rough night and forgets his nervousness. For the next couple of hours he's kept busy, it's not until his break that he really has to think about the others and gossip. But they behave almost naturally around him, offer their condolences and then slip back into gossip. After a couple of minutes of usual moaning about the way porters are treated by the staff and the patients alike that he's not really bothered to follow, drinking his tea and letting it flow over him, he catches Karl's name and stiffens. But it's not about him and Karl, it's about Martin being suspended after his attack on Karl. He doesn't want to ask for details but someone notices the puzzled look in his eyes.

'Haven't you heard? Charge nurse Platt decided to beat the shit out of Foster in the corridor, in full view of a couple of other nurses and CCTV cameras. Can you get any thicker than that? Anyway, he's suspended, waiting for the official sacking. And Foster's on sick leave with a couple of broken ribs or something.'

'Martin suspended? Last I heard, he was off fishing in Wales with his son.'

'Yeah, he's suspended and he will be sacked after they've finished with the formalities. You know how it goes, there are no excuses for hitting a colleague at work, there were witnesses and everything's on tape. They even issued reminders about NHS policies to all members of staff.'

'But why?' Todd asks, puzzled.

'Why he hit him? Who knows? They say they were rowing after Foster left some flowers to Platt's daughter who lost her baby or something… Sorry, mate, I didn't think, it was your baby too, wasn't it? Forget I said anything mate, I'm really sorry.'

Todd swallows the lump in his throat and puts down his mug. He tries to smile and sound normal.

'It's alright. Look, we'd better get back to work.'

* * *

Lunch is easier. He sits in the canteen with a couple of other porters he's most comfortable with and they're talking about England's chances in Portugal. He's glad Katy doesn't seem to be working today, that he's not required to talk about how he feels. It's been harder than he thought but he feels he can cope with things now. He knows there will be other conversations that turn from harmless gossip into difficult questions within microseconds. Still he's glad to be here, the lads aren't asking too many questions, aren't irritating him with their sympathy, are letting him be.

The afternoon is fairly busy and he hardly has a moment for this own thoughts. It feels good. Then he's assigned the duty to keep an eye on a little boy so that his father can get a break. Instantly his mind is filled with images of himself as a father and of what Billy would have been like at that age. He fights back tears, manages at last to push them back and engage in the boy's chatter about his mates, his mum being ill and the holiday they would have had in Spain if she wasn't. He is relieved to see the father getting back rather sooner than he expected. He goes to the staff room to pull himself together. Five minutes later he feels better and returns to work.

* * *

The day flows past surprisingly fast. After work he hesitates but decides to drop by at Karl's to find out how he is. Once there, he almost leaves again before he knocks on the door but then reminds himself that Karl's still a mate and after all that's happened he still wants him as a mate. And he's curious to find out what really happened. So he knocks. Nothing happens for a while. He knocks again, more nervous by the minute and wonders if he should just go. Finally the door opens. Karl clearly looks surprised to see him.

'Hi. Didn't expect to see you. How are you… after all that's happened? I'm really sorry about the baby.'

'I know, I got your card. I'm fine, I went back to work today. How are you? I didn't hear about Martin until today.'

'Come on in and I'll tell you.'

They go inside, Todd can see that moving around is painful to Karl. Karl lies down on the couch with an apologetic expression, Todd sits down in a chair.

'So, what happened with Martin?'

'He came in when I was leaving flowers for Sarah and it turned into a row about who's fault everything was. I gave him a piece of my mind, was turning away to leave when he hit me. Ended up on the floor with him kicking me into stomach, complete with an audience.'

'How are you?'

'Three broken ribs and some bruises. Not very bad then, I could be a whole lot worse. Three or four weeks of sick leave.'

There is a pause. Then Todd asks about something he's been wondering about.

'They were saying that Martin is going to be sacked.'

'He will. They're just sorting the papers. Katy came to see me afterwards to plead with me that I wouldn't lodge a complaint or anything and I didn't have the heart to tell her that it wouldn't make any difference. Besides, it's out of my hands, the hospital decides if they want to make it into a police matter. Attacking a colleague at work is inexcusable, there's no way out of it for him.'

'Does he know it? Last I heard was that he was going fishing to Wales with David.'

'He must know it. I think he'd have stayed if he had thought he had any chance of talking himself out of it. There were witnesses and it's all on tape. Doesn't matter much what I say. It was embarrassing enough to talk to them about what happened before the fight. That Martin didn't approve me leaving flowers for his daughter whose relationship I had wrecked and then didn't want to listen what I said about the reasons for his daughter's premature labour. God, I really don't fancy telling a pair of plods that.'

'Are there any consequences to you about the fight?'

'No, because I didn't fight back, didn't really have the chance. But I got told off for reading Sarah's notes, technically they're none of my business, confidential information and all that. Technically, I overstepped the line when I mentioned them to Martin, not when I read them. But I wanted to make sure I'd got the right idea about her problems. Which reminds me, has anyone properly explained to you what happened?'

'Yes, the doctor did.'

'Did you understand it?'

Todd is puzzled. The anger rears its head again, why is Karl determined to remind him that it was all his fault. He tries to control his anger as to not bite Karl's head off immediately and makes a controlled attempt to keep his voice normal when he asks, 'What do you mean?'

'I'm trying to make sure that you know what happened and why.'

Todd bows his head and answers dejectedly, 'I know, the stress and everything made her to go into labour too early and premature babies don't always make it. I shouldn't have put her through all that.'

'No, Todd, no, let me finish. Stress isn't good for pregnant women in general but the reason why Billy was born too soon had nothing to do with stress. It was placental abruption, the placenta became detached from the womb and it's always very serious because the baby gets its oxygen through the placenta. There's also heavy bleeding. It's almost certainly linked to Sarah's previous scare. It's possibly also linked to the fact that Sarah was so young when she had Bethany and that she's still so young. It was Sarah's body that refused to maintain that pregnancy any longer. Lifting and carrying heavy things might have made her worse, not the shock or stress. You are not to blame. You've got to believe me, I've seen her notes.'

'How can I not to be blamed? I ruined her life. And that killed our baby.'

'Is that what they've been saying to you? Just listen to me now: it says in Sarah's notes that her placenta became detached from the wall of the womb. When that happens, there's no way the pregnancy can be continued any longer, they have to get the baby out so that it would have any chance at all. But not all premature babies make it. That's what happened. It was a possibility ever since Sarah had her first scare, it's probable that there was something wrong with her uterus and/or the placenta all the time. These things happen. Someone should have made it clear to you earlier, made sure that you understood what you were told. Martin for example, he's a nurse for god's sake, he didn't much appreciate it when I tried to point out to him that he should explain the medical matters to you and Sarah.'

Todd is numb and doesn't know what to say. He cannot remember what the doctors said. Maybe no doctor ever explained it to him. He's frightened at the thought and seeks a safer subject to continue the discussion and grabs Karl's last sentence.

'So that's when he hit you.'

'Yes. I think he was looking for someone to blame and I was just a convenient target. You know that him and Katy broke up?'

'Really? I didn't know that either. Why?'

'Because she was thick enough to brag him about knowing about us and pushing you to tell Sarah. She told me when she came to see me about the fight, didn't use those words of course. Or am I underestimating her, did she really get you to do it?'

Todd marvels at Katy's naivety, he cannot understand what she thought she was achieving by telling that to Martin. It doesn't even look like that she'd just let it slip. He sees Karl's expectant expression and tries to think of an answer to his question. He hasn't really thought about it before. He realises that he's been in a haze ever since that Sunday, apart from the time he talked to Jason.

'No. I never thought about Katy at the time. First there was what you said that morning, then a dreary dinner with Gail and Audrey, then we went to see a church and what the vicar said about commitment and all, when we were back at home I couldn't go on any more. So I told Sarah.'

'Why didn't you come to me after you did it?'

'I don't know. I think I didn't realise how angry she would be. They've been my family, I never wanted to lose them completely. I just went to see me mum. Before I got my head together, there were public humiliations like Gail Platt telling me mum that I've slept with you in Sarah's bed and a fight with Nick and David. And my brother not wanting a poof for a brother and completely ignoring me until I forced him to listen to me. Suddenly a boyfriend who refused to carry on seeing me didn't seem that important. And I guess there was hurt pride because of that too. And then Billy died. It's just been too much.'

'So why see me today?'

'As I said earlier, today's my first day back at work in the hospital, so I only heard about Martin attacking you today. The Platts aren't talking to me and the rest of the Street mostly ignores me these days so I didn't heard about it that way. I wanted to find out how you were, when you're coming back to work.'

'So you still care about me?'

'Yeah. I want us to be mates.'

'Mates as in?'

'As in mates. Look Karl, I do like you but I must put myself back together before I can start thinking about relationships again.'

'Don't worry. I can understand it, it's too soon. I'm not trying to push you into anything.'

Todd feels relieved at this. He really likes Karl but he must figure out how to be happy about being Todd again before exploring if things still could work with Karl, whether they still want it after some time.

Todd checks the time and realises that he should go home.

'How long's your sick leave?'

'About two weeks to go, then we'll see if I'm well enough to go back. I'm getting really bored, you'd better come to see me again some time.'

'I will.'

Todd gets up, Karl gingerly gets up to a sitting position. Hesitatingly, Todd brushes his cheek with his hand.

'I'll see myself out. I'll call you soon.'


	2. Chapter 2

In the street Todd feels happy. He's only now realising that he has missed Karl badly. And that they can still be mates. Todd's life doesn't seem quite so bleak at the moment.

In the bus on his way home he starts to think about things Karl told him about: the fight, Martin and Katy, Billy's birth and death. He wonders if he should go and call on Katy, see if she's alright but he hesitates. After all, if Katy and Martin broke up over her knowledge of him, she might not be too eager to see him. He decides to wait until he sees Katy at work.

He feels sorry for Martin, so many shocks and losses in a short period of time. But he also thinks that Martin only got what he deserved. He can understand Martin wanting to hit somebody, to hit him but not really attacking Karl in the hospital. He wonders what Martin gets up to after getting the sack.

Thinking about Martin leads him to think about what Karl said about Billy. He's not sure he can believe it yet. Still for the first time he allows himself to see that he may not have been to blame, at least not completely. He had almost forgotten Sarah's scare in April because in his head it was linked to something completely different, sleeping with Karl for the first time. He tries to remember what the doctors were saying but still can't remember. Did any doctor ever sit down with him and explain it all? What does it mean that he doesn't remember – that no doctor ever explained it him or that he didn't take it in. Not that he blames any of the Platts for blaming it all on him but for the first time he realises that they must have been as distraught as himself and not able to think straight.

* * *

He's at home and faces his mother's questions. She's pleased to find him calm, he suspects she finds him better than she expected. He wonders if he can tell her about going to see Karl without her getting the wrong idea. Eventually he does, explaining how he heard about him being beaten by Martin. She's shocked to hear it, even more shocked and outraged to hear about Billy, then outraged that he didn't listen to her when she tried to reason that he wasn't to blame. His temper, short these days, makes a return and their shouting match is only interrupted by Jason's arrival. Eileen goes to make a cup of tea for herself in the kitchen, Todd storms upstairs to go to bed early.

* * *

A week passes quickly at work. He's getting back into his routines, slipping into his former easy terms with mates at work. He enjoys working at the hospital. When he sees Dev in the street, looking worried about something he realises he hasn't really spared a thought for the shop ever since he's been back at the hospital. It shocks him, he should go and see Sunita some time but he doesn't think he'll ever go back there to work. He's disappointed in Dev, he knows what the compassionate leave was all about. He makes enough money at the hospital not to be a financial burden for his mother.

Before or after shifts he usually pops in at Karl's. Most times they just sit and talk about nothing in particular. About stuff in the paper, patients and patients' relatives at the hospital, about people at work. They don't talk about what they had in the past. It's still too early. There are gentle touches occasionally but they are slightly wary about them. Their bodies might find it easy to bridge the gaps, their minds are rather slower to do it. So they avoid touching too much, getting too intimate. Sometimes Todd dreams of Karl and his body remembers how good it felt to have Karl against it and wonders why they wait. But then he remembers the awkwardness between them these days and wonders how he really feels about Karl.

One night Todd goes out for a drink with a couple of other porters. He's almost forgotten how it feels like. He enjoys the normality of it but afterwards, on his way home, the feelings of remorse hit him. Is it all right to have fun and go drinking when your baby died only a couple of weeks ago? A wave of nausea washes over him and it has nothing to do with the amount of drink he's had. That night he has trouble sleeping. In the morning he is pale and quiet. In the afternoon he has already forgotten it but then he sees Katy in the canteen and reads concern in her eyes. He fights the desire to snap at her, settles down to have coffee with her on the condition that they won't talk about how he feels, how she feels or what's happened in recent weeks. For a moment they are lost for words, then find some hospital gossip to pass the time.

It's his day off and he begins it by sorting things with Dev. Dev seems preoccupied by something when he accepts his resignation. He exchanges a couple of words with Sunita and promises to be back soon. Vera enters the shop and glares at him. He smiles at her, tells her not to worry, he's quit his job and won't have the pleasure of serving her and her prejudices any longer. Then he goes and makes a point of pushing past her to make sure she's as uncomfortable as he can help. He makes a mental note to take Jason out for a pint in the Rovers as soon as possible, he's sick and tired of hiding and turning away, it's going to stop now. He's only been there once since he came out, having a pint with Steve and Patrick. They did their best to make him feel comfortable but the looks from others were drilling holes into his back. But now he decides that he's past caring.

He's on his way to see Karl, they've arranged to rent a couple of films and watch them together. Karl's due to start working again in a couple of days. His ribs have healed well and he's no longer in pain, he's just waiting for his final check-up. They've been talking about going out for a proper drink after Karl's started working, maybe in Canal Street. The prospect fills Todd both with fear and excitement. In his mind, Canal Street is linked to kissing Karl for the first time. He can't think about it without wanting to do it again right now. He wonders if going back there with Karl will only push him back into Karl's arms before he's ready. On the other hand he's dreading seeing Karl with other blokes. He pushes the thought out of his mind.

He finds Karl seeing Sean out. When he sees Todd, Sean stays in for a further ten minutes. Todd has met him a couple of times at Karl's during these weeks and has learnt to like him. Sean always makes him smile. This time, Sean is somewhat subdued, he's got a new boss and they don't get on at all. He says he's looking for a new job. Then he checks his watch and grimaces, he should have been at work five minutes ago, he's got to run now. So he's off and Karl and Todd settle down to watch the videos Todd has brought. It's almost like it was in the early days of their affair, they joke and laugh and tease each other.

The afternoon with Karl has been great, Todd is reluctant to break the spell and leave. He knows he has to, things would get too awkward if he stays. He hugs Karl briefly, gets up and goes with the promise of dropping by before his night shift the next day.


	3. Chapter 3

Todd has arranged to see Jason in the Rovers at lunchtime. Jason raised his eyebrows meaningfully when he suggested it but didn't say anything. Todd hasn't spent much time in the Street lately. Not that he has been deliberately avoiding seeing his neighbours, it's just that he's been working hard, spent most of his free time with Karl or at home with his mum and Jason who are finally treating him normally, no longer tiptoeing around him. There's a slight lull in conversation in the pub when they get in but it doesn't last long. The factory girls go back to their gossip while Todd gets their drinks and Jason finds them a seat. After a few minutes Katy and Angela come in. Katy makes her way towards them after getting her drink while Angela is drawn in the factory girls' conversations. Katy looks visibly upset.

'Are you all right?' Todd asks.

'Not really. Martin's back from that fishing trip and Sarah decided to help us to make up properly. So I ended up telling her the reason we broke up and she wasn't happy, not at all. So now she's changed her mind about wanting me and Martin back together and made him choose between me and her. He chose her, of course, so I guess we're finished, once and for all.'

'I'm sorry. For everything.'

'So you should be,' Katy says seriously, then smiles wanly. 'It's not your fault, really. Sarah's being childish at the moment.'

There's a moment's pause. Todd can't think of anything to say. He's grateful to Jason for asking about Martin and David's fishing trip. Katy doesn't know much about it, but apparently they had enjoyed it.

'So, have you seen Karl lately?' Katy asks.

Todd nods.

'Are you together again?'

Todd is conscious of Jason pricking up his ears and shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

'No no, we're just mates,' Todd replies. Then, to tease Jason a bit, he adds, 'For now at least.'

They finish their drinks and pies accompanied by the usual Street gossip, then Jason has to go back to work. Katy and Todd stay behind for a while to talk about the hospital. Todd is shocked to find out that she hasn't realised that Martin won't be coming back, although the latest gossip which she must have heard has it that the sacking is final and that they're looking for a new charge nurse. She thinks it's way too harsh and doesn't listen to Todd's attempts to reason with her. Eventually they both go, he frustrated, she outraged. Todd goes home for a nap before starting out for the hospital and night shift and the now familiar detour of stopping by at Karl's before it.

* * *

A couple of days later Karl says he has been to see the doctor who's pronounced him fit to return to work. He's already spoken to the nurse who's filling in as charge nurse until they find a permanent replacement for Martin and arranged that he will be back day after tomorrow.

'So what about going down Canal Street to celebrate my return to work?' he asks.

'I'm up for it but I'm on nights for two more nights.' Todd replies.

'Don't worry, we can go on Thursday. Or Friday. I think Sean said he wanted to go on Friday.'

'Friday's fine by me. That's settled then.'

'Great.'

* * *

The next day Todd drops by for a chat before going to work. They're lounging on the couch, talking about nothing in particular, listening to the music played on the radio. Karl mentions that Sean is coming over soon.

'He rang me earlier to tell me what he's been planning for Friday, he's really excited about it. As if I'd been convalescent for three months, not three weeks. Anyway, I'm fed up just sitting at home, so it'll be great to get out again.'

They are silent for a moment. Todd checks his watch, he's still got half an hour before he has to go.

'So how does it feel now, to have come out and plan to go down Canal Street?' Karl asks.

They have hardly talked about Todd's coming out since the first time after the funeral and Karl being beaten by Martin. Todd has had the feeling that Karl doesn't want to introduce the subject. True to his word about not wanting to push Todd into anything he's not ready for, he seems to have wanted to let him bring it up in his own time. For his part, Todd has to some extent tried to avoid thinking about it, afraid that it will only bring back the pain from Billy's death. That cold hollow feeling that makes happy anticipation of a night of fun impossible. He's surprised that he's not hurting now, he doesn't feel guilty about moving on with his life. And that it isn't difficult to come up with an answer to Karl's question.

'Normal. Excited. As it should be.'

Karl smiles, 'That's good.'

'I didn't expect to feel this normal. Not yet anyway. But I do want to go.' He wants to add, 'With you,' but doesn't quite dare. Instead, he checks his watch, he should be getting to work soon. But he's reluctant to go just yet.

'So, what do you expect to find on Canal Street?' Karl asks after a moment. The tone is light and playful, making it easy for Todd to turn the question into a joke if he wants to. But he wants to answer properly.

'I dunno, I just want to have some fun with you and Sean and just… enjoy the atmosphere you know.'

'So no kissing blokes and then running away just when things get interesting.'

'No, I hadn't planned that.'

'Which? Kissing blokes or running away?'

After just a slight hesitation Todd replies, 'Running away. But I suppose it depends on who you're kissing.'

They are silent for a moment, looking at one another intensely. Then Todd breaks the spell by getting up. It's not that he doesn't want to kiss Karl – he does – but he's not sure he can deal with whatever comes afterwards. And he's due to at work soon. Karl follows him to see him out, looking clearly disappointed although he tries to hide it. Standing in the tiny hall, talking about Todd's shifts and Karl's return to work Todd already regrets being coward earlier. Without thinking he leans in to kiss Karl lightly on the lips. Karl pulls him closer and returns the kiss, more intense. Todd puts his arms round Karl, enjoying the warmth and proximity of his body. Everything feels so right just then, to be snogging Karl. He can't understand why he didn't do it sooner.

There's a knock on the door. They jump apart, annoyed and slightly embarrassed.

'I'll bet it's Sean,' Karl says when he goes to answer the door. Todd feels the flush rising on his face.

It is Sean who immediately after stepping inside and having closed the door launches into a long-winded explanation about something his stupid boss has said but then stops short.

'Is it bad time? Did I just interrupt something?' After a slight pause he adds with a hint of amusement in his voice, 'Do I really need to ask?'

'No no, I was just going, my shift starts in fifteen minutes,' Todd says hurriedly, opens the door and goes. Outside he stops and takes a deep breath to calm down. It felt good to be kissing Karl again. Why did Sean have to come just then? And guess what they had been up to? He feels raw and exposed with Sean knowing that. But then again, he reasons with himself, if they get back together, this time it won't be their guilty little secret. This time people will know about it. And he's not sure he can handle it just yet. If only it was a question of fancying Karl then things would be simple. But it isn't, so everything is still complicated although there's no Sarah or baby to think about. He shrugs, pushing his confused thoughts to the back of his mind and goes to work.


	4. Chapter 4

It's a hectic night at the hospital and Todd is kept busy all night. To cap it all, the morning shift is one porter short and the night-shifters have to decide who's going to stay for a couple of extra hours. Nobody is looking forward to it but eventually Todd reluctantly agrees to stay. He's very tired and goes to the canteen to get some coffee to stay awake. He sees Katy and Sean sat at one of the tables, talking eagerly about something. He can see from afar that it has to be a juicier bit of gossip than usually and his heart sinks when he realises what it must be. Sean is sat his back to the door so he doesn't see Todd coming in and keeps telling Katy how 'Todd said he was just going but he looked so flustered, so obviously there was something going on. When he was gone I tried to get it out of Karl but he didn't admit anything. Why are they so coy? They obviously fancy the pants off each other, it's no big deal if they're having it off…'

At this point Katy has seen Todd and the look on her face finally makes Sean falter and turn round to see Todd standing next to him.

'So, you're back together then, you and Karl,' Katy says. Todd immediately gets annoyed because of the way she says it, it's not even a question but a statement. However, he resists the desire to snap at her.

'No, we're not,' he says as calmly as he can manage.

'Why not? You'd be so good together, you fancy each other. You don't need to hide any more.'

'It's still too soon Katy. I'm not ready.'

'So why were you two so flustered yesterday when I dropped by?' Sean asks.

Todd does some quick thinking to come up with a suitable reply to this question, ranging from 'It's none of your business,' to 'Yesterday? What about yesterday? Nothing happened yesterday,' and even considers the full admission, 'Yeah we kissed, so what?' In the end he settles for the middle option and tries to assure Katy and Sean that nothing is going on. He knows he's not being too convincing. The conversation goes round in circles all the time he's sat at the table with them, drinking his coffee. He repeatedly denies that anything has taken place, they are not convinced, he says he's not ready for anything yet anyway, they say it's a shame because he and Karl would be a lovely couple, there's no need to sneak around anyone any more, he says there's no sneaking going on which brings them back to square one. He's glad that his coffee is soon finished and he's got to get back. Before he's even left the canteen he knows they're back at speculating what did or didn't happen yesterday. He can hear Sean saying, 'I can't believe they're not admitting it. I know Karl and I know something's going on. Silly boys, trying to keep it to themselves. Well, maybe they're less shy on Canal Street…'

Walking away, Todd can't say that the thought hasn't occurred to him. What will happen when they go to Canal Street together? He pushes the thought out of his mind, deciding that he'll talk about it with Karl later. The next four hours he's so busy that he doesn't have any time to think about himself. Finally he's told that he can leave, they will manage for the time being. He goes home exhausted and definitely not looking forward to another night shift later. He goes straight to bed and wakes up only when Eileen comes up to ask him when he's going to work and if he's eaten anything. When he's had a shower and eaten he must start going back to hospital. He doesn't have time to see Karl but he calls him on the way to hear how his first day back went.

'I'm shattered,' is the first thing Karl says. 'But it was really good to be back. We're going out for a drink tomorrow after work. You could come too, if you like, it's just the gang from hospital, you know them.' There's a pause. 'We could have a chance to talk if you can make it.'

Todd knows what Karl means by this. It's the time to step out of the limbo of their current relationship, one way or another, to settle for being just mates or to get back together properly. The flirtation with the latter while pretending to be happy with the former cannot go on for much longer. But he gets slightly paranoid about going out with "the gang", feeling that he doesn't want to have them guessing at what's going on between him and Karl before they've sorted it out themselves.

'I'll think about it. Let's see how exhausted I'm tomorrow. I'll call you then.

* * *

It's another rough night with lots to do and too few people to do it. They're still one porter short and Todd promises that he can do another couple of extra hours in the morning if it's needed. He's regretting his promise in the morning because things don't look like improving at all. And they don't. A fist fight breaks out in the waiting area just when he's about to finish off and go home to sleep. Security are there shortly but he and the other porters have their hands full trying to restore the peace and order while the fighters are being separated and taken away somewhere. Just the perfect end for a night from hell, he thinks.

* * *

He spends most of the day sleeping and only gets up when Eileen and Jason come home. They have tea together, then Todd decides to go back to bed to sleep. He calls Karl before that to say he's too tired to go anywhere. He can hear that Karl's disappointed and tries to turn the conversation to Canal Street tomorrow. They make plans to meet at Karl's and then go down together all three, with Sean.

He doesn't sleep very well that night, probably because he had already spent most of the day sleeping. But in the morning he has no trouble remembering some of the vivid dreams he had during the night. In one of them he and Karl were happy together, looking for a flat and taking no notice of funny looks they got from people. In another it was Billy's funeral again but somewhere in the middle of the dream the chapel changed into a huge courtroom, with him standing alone in the middle, accused of causing Billy's death and ruining Sarah's life, seeing the walls starting to fall on him. He tries to remember some of the other good dreams he knows he had but they are already slipping away in the elusive fashion typical of dreams. He shrugs and gets downstairs to have some breakfast. Eileen and Jason have both gone to work already and he's wondering what to do with his day off. Eventually he decides to go for a walk.

Returning to the Street he decides to go and see Sunita in the shop but when he gets there he finds the corner shop closed. It seems really strange to him and he can't think of a reason for it. So he takes stock of his options. He could go to the Rovers. Or he could go home. It's far too early to start getting ready for the night out. He decides that he can face the Rovers, things won't ever get better if he keeps away and besides last time with Jason went fine. It's fairly quiet and nobody looks intent on glowering at him. He's not been there long when Jason and Charlie walk in. They get their drinks and make their way towards him and explain that they've decided to call it a day a bit earlier today. They talk about work a while, Charlie gets up and goes to talk to Shelley at the bar. Todd and Jason are left alone. After they've exhausted all talk about work there's a pause. Then Jason seems to brace himself for an unpleasant conversation.

'You seeing that bloke again?'

The question takes him by surprise.

'Karl? No.'

'No? I just thought, after what you said the other day and all…'

'To be honest, I'm not quite sure where we stand at the moment.'

'And what's that supposed to mean?'

'We ended up kissing the other day but never had the chance to talk about it.'

'Why all this talk? If you want to be seeing him and he wants to be seeing you, what is there to talk about?'

'If you put it like that, nothing. But I dunno, I'm afraid it's too soon, I don't want to hurt Sarah's feelings, I feel funny about everyone knowing and talking about us. Especially now when we're not really seeing each other. I walked in on Katy Harris and one of Karl's mates gossiping in the hospital canteen the other day.'

'How is it different from everyone knowing that you're poof?'

Todd stops to think but cannot really say why.

'You think too much. If you want to be with that bloke, just do it, don't waste the rest of your life trying to figure out if you're ready or not.'

Todd has to smile at this. All things are simple for Jason. Before he gets a chance to say something, Jason continues, 'And what you said about Sarah, one of these days you'll just have to let go of her. Do you think she's going to ask your permission when she starts seeing someone? I don't think so. Just do what _you_ want for a change.'

'And when did you become such an expert? And how come you're now so keen to talk about me and Karl?'

'You're my brother, and I've had enough of seeing you moping around. But I still don't want any details about… you know.' Jason looks slightly embarrassed saying this and Todd can't help smiling at him.

'So, are you doing anything tonight? We could go for a drink somewhere.'

'Thanks, but let's do it another time. I'm going to Canal Street with Karl and his mates tonight.'


	5. Chapter 5

When he gets to Karl's that evening his stomach is filled with butterflies of anticipation. He's a little nervous about going to Canal Street but not as much as he was last time. He's more nervous about facing Karl after not seeing him for a couple of days. After the kiss they didn't have a chance to talk about. Even with what Jason said Todd still thinks there's something to be discussed, this is not something he wants to rush into. He's also a little nervous about facing Sean and whatever is Sean's way of dealing with what he guesses about what's going on between Todd and Karl. But he forgets his nervousness and his mixed feelings about what he wants when Karl comes to open the door, buttoning his shirt. Todd steps in and instinctively hugs Karl tightly before kissing him lightly on the lips. Before Karl has any chance to react to the kiss Sean's there, hyped up, and on an infectiously good mood that quickly spreads to Todd. Karl looks happy when his eyes are on Todd and he can't stop smiling. Todd would have thought that seeing Karl like that would just panic him once again but it doesn't, it just makes him smile too. With Sean there getting ready, singing along the music and explaining what he's been planning for the night Todd and Karl feel content just watching one another.

Eventually they make their way to Canal Street and go into a bar Sean has chosen. Todd looks around and feels simply happy to be there, with Karl, with Sean. For the first time in his life he's looking at blokes and enjoying it. And there's Karl, the looks they've been exchanging and the pleasant anticipation that he's going to end up going home with him later.

A continuous stream of Karl's mates come up to greet him and welcome him back. Todd lets most of the conversation just flow over him. He's content just being here with Karl and Sean, watching other blokes, drinking, listening to the music. At some point Todd notices that Karl and Sean have drifted off somewhere and left him alone. He feels a brief stab of annoyance but it passes before he starts brooding on it. There's music to listen, people to watch and he just shrugs his annoyance off and settles for watching people having a good time.

There's a group of four or five guys nearby. They are all quite loud and drunk. Todd watches them idly, not really trying to listen to them. One of them notices him and turns to talk to him. 'What's your name, gorgeous?'

'Todd,' Todd replies.

'Todd? Really? I'm Matt by the way.'

'Yeah, Todd. What's so funny?'

'It's just that my mate's called Todd too. Look, that's him, he's the blondie.' Matt nods at the bloke who's swaying like he's had one too many. 'It's his birthday and we promised him before we came here that he'd get twenty-one kisses from twenty-one gorgeous blokes, one of each year and we'd hate to disappoint him. You couldn't help us out, could you?'

Todd hesitates.

'Why not?' he says at the moment he senses the bloke is about to open his mouth and start pleading. Without thinking he walks over to the blond bloke Matt pointed to him, wishes him happy birthday and gives him a gentle kiss. The guys cheer at the birthday kiss number twelve and the birthday boy smiles, a little embarrassed and clearly drunk. Todd stays with the group to talk for a moment. He's just left them to go and find Karl and Sean when Karl appears next to him and puts an arm round his shoulders. Todd senses a hint of possessiveness in the gesture and quite enjoys it.

'Having fun?' Karl asks.

'Yeah,' Todd replies, leaning closer to speak into Karl's ear.

'I was worried you had run off when I realised we'd lost you… but it looked like you were having good time over there.'

'I was a bit pissed off at first.'

'Not long apparently, seeing you were kissing other blokes within minutes.' Karl is smiling when he says this, and Todd swallows his explanations, that it was just a joke. Karl knows it anyway. Karl gives him a gentle kiss.

'Come on, my mates want to meet you,' and Todd follows Karl to meet yet another set of mates, then they're all going to another bar.

They drink and dance and laugh for the next couple of hours. Almost imperceptibly Todd and Karl start drifting apart from the others, having only eyes and ears for one another. It's not until Sean comes up to them and taps Karl's shoulder that they take any notice of anybody or anything else in their surroundings.

'Sorry to interrupt you two, looking as busy as you were… Have I said how glad I am to see that you've stopped that silly sneaking round…'

Todd can't help his blushes but right now he doesn't mind Sean knowing, guessing, whatever. He keeps looking at Karl when he listens to Sean and answers but not bothering to listen. When Sean's gone, Karl looks at Todd.

'So, are you coming home with me?'

'Do you really need to ask?'

* * *

Todd opens his eyes, suddenly wide awake and worried that he's overslept. A glance at the alarm clock on the bedside table tells him it's barely six. He's not due at work until midday, so he snuggles closer to Karl and goes back to sleep.

Next time he wakes up it's the insistent ringing sound somewhere that brings him round, then the ringing stops and he can hear Karl's voice. With some effort he manages to focus his eyes on Karl speaking on his mobile and his ears on what he's saying but it still doesn't make much sense. He glances at the alarm clock, it's only seven.

Karl finishes his call.

'Who was that, this early?' Todd asks.

'The hospital. Apparently, we've been at least one nurse short for the last two weeks. My return to work helped a bit, but we're still short. The only way I managed to avoid getting roped in for extra shift last night was to promise that they can call me early this morning if they need to get someone in. Well, they just have and I said I'd be there as soon as I can.'

'Do you have to go?' Todd asks, thinking the night is ending too soon.

'I promised I would. Go back to sleep, I'll see you later. Are you working today?'

'Yeah, from noon on.'

'See you at work then later.' There is a moment's pause. 'And Todd, don't think I wouldn't have wanted to stay in bed this morning.'

Todd smiles sleepily, sleep is taking over him swiftly and the next thing he knows is waking up for the third time that morning. It's quarter to eleven this time and he needs to get ready for work. After taking a shower he calls his mum to let her know where he stayed the night. She asks too many questions about Karl and he gets embarrassed although he doesn't even need to answer those questions face to face with her. After making him promise that he will come home at some point during the weekend she rings off.

* * *

For a change he doesn't have a shift from hell. Things are rather slow and he's got plenty of time for his break. He decides to have coffee in the canteen but on his way there he bumps into Karl who looks tired and harassed until he sees Todd. Then he smiles.

'You look tired,' Todd says after moment they've just spent looking at one another, standing very close.

'Yeah, well, didn't get much sleep last night, did I? And we've been really busy this morning. I should be getting back, I promised I wouldn't be long.'

Todd doesn't want to let Karl go just yet and steps a little closer. Karl senses the movement and smiles. They talk about tonight, there's some talk about going out for a drink but in the end they decide to see about it later. Karl takes another look at his watch.

'I really have to go now,' he says.

Todd has been conscious of people walking past them in the corridor all the time they have been standing there. For once he ignores other people and whatever they might think of him and leans in to give Karl a kiss. He can sense Karl's surprise but when he looks at him Todd can tell he's pleased.

He's watching Karl's retreating back, thinking he's still got a few minutes to get his coffee when he's roused from his thoughts by another porter, Tim.

'There you are Todd, Phil was looking for you. Can you take Mrs Wilson for her scan, I've got to get back to A &amp; E.'

'Of course,' Todd says. It's only after Tim's gone that Todd realises that he probably saw the kiss and that there's no way it's not going to end up being the hot gossip of the porters' tea break. Then he shrugs his apprehensions off, he's decided he doesn't want to hide any more, so there's nothing else to it but to grin and bear it. After all, the lads have been gossiping about him coming out, he knows he's one of them, it shouldn't be a big deal. Then he turns his attention to the old lady and hopes that she's not like Vera.

There's a queue for the scan as there always is. Todd decides that it's easier to stay until Mrs Wilson is called in. Mrs Wilson is a grey-haired stern-looking woman who's all the time looked as if she hated hospitals because she can't control what's happening to her, turns to small talk to pass the time, telling Todd about her little grand-daughter and her fear of missing her birthday next week because she doesn't know how long she'll have to stay in the hospital. Todd answers politely. Then, out of the blue, Mrs Wilson changes the subject.

'This is none of my business but I couldn't help seeing you earlier in the corridor with that male nurse… I didn't realise the general atmosphere would be quite that tolerant anywhere. My friend's grandson was attacked recently, just because he was holding hands with his friend. So it's good to know it's not that bad everywhere.'

'I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm just finding out just how tolerant this place is, I only came out a little while ago.'

'But obviously you didn't have to be afraid of being seen together with your friend here.'

'No, I didn't really think about. Look, they're calling for you now. I'll take you back to the ward after   
the scan.'


	6. Chapter 6

Todd walks down the corridor, thinking about nothing in particular, pleased that his shift is nearly finished, that he and Karl are back together, that Mrs Wilson was so nice to him earlier. When he passes the head porter's office Phil the head porter calls him in. At first he thinks it about something Phil wants him to do, then apprehension strikes him and he's sure Phil is going to tell him off for kissing Karl earlier. When he steps in he finds a couple of other porters gathered there.

'We were just talking about shifts and I thought you'd like to have your say. It looks like we're finally getting back to normal on Monday.' Phil says. One of the others asks Todd if wants a cuppa. The talk about shifts lasts for about five minutes, Todd mostly listens and drinks his tea.

'Right, I think that's it,' Phil says at last. The conversation turns into normal tea break talk immediately, as if somebody just pressed a switch to change the mode. Todd isn't particularly surprised when somebody brings up Karl and the kiss after a while. He has been bracing himself for this moment all afternoon, hoping he'll be able to deal with the inevitable jokes and comments but it's easier than he expected. There is some gentle teasing but it's not different from the teasing that Tim is faced with when his girlfriend comes to meet him after work. It confirms to him that he's become one of the group. They all finish their teas and head off to work. Todd is the last to go and Phil has one final thing to say.

'Todd, don't take this the wrong way… but just try to remember that this is a hospital after all, and the patients and their distressed relatives don't necessarily want to see nurses and porters who are supposed to look after them draped all over each other in the corridors.'

Todd feels the flush rising on his cheeks.

'I'll remember that,' he mumbles, embarrassed.

'Well, seeing that you both work here it needed to be said. I didn't see you this afternoon so I don't know how it was. And I would have said the same thing if you were seeing a female nurse.' Phil pauses for a moment. 'It's good to see you smile again, I was worried about you when you wanted to return to work so soon after everything…'

Todd blushes again, mutters something about going back to work and leaves the office.

* * *

It's Monday afternoon and he's in the middle of a less busy shift for a change. He's having coffee with a couple of other porters and lazily following their discussion on the latest developments of the F1 season interspersed with troubles with kids. He's thinking that he should go home to Number 11 today. He knows he promised Eileen that he would come home at some point during the weekend but ended up spending all the time outside work with Karl. But it means that he really has to go today and listen to her comments about running a hotel. And probably face another set of questions about Karl. Then he's dragged into the conversation and forgets his worries.

* * *

'Well, hello stranger,' is the first thing Eileen says to him that evening. She's washing up in the kitchen.

Todd smiles, slightly embarrassed.

'I thought you said you would come home sometime during the weekend, but looks like you found something else to pass the time.'

'Yeah I know I promised but… Is Jason in?'

'No, he went out after tea. Why?'

'Just asking. I'd have liked to see him now that I'm here.'

'Why don't you and Karl come here tomorrow, we could all go in the Rovers for a drink or something?'

Todd hesitates. He should have seen this coming but didn't.

'I'll ask him, ok? Maybe he's got other plans.'

'Don't try to sneak out of this one Todd. He's met me before, it's going to be fine.'

Todd looks at her and lets himself believe what she's saying.

'Are you staying here tonight?' Eileen asks after a moment's silence.

Todd blushes and shakes his head. Eileen smiles to his embarrassment.

Todd sits down with her for a while. They chat about nothing in particular, drinking tea, then Todd gets up to go.

'It's good to see you happy again,' Eileen says before he goes.

Todd gets a warm fluttering feeling from her words, which follows him on his way back to Karl's. It's not even flattened by a glimpse of Sarah in the street, talking animatedly about something to Candice, who looks much less enthusiastic. But when he's sitting in the bus the feeling suddenly goes sour. He feels a stab of annoyance at the comments about his happiness, even with knowing that both Phil and his mother meant well. He didn't grieve that long, did he? He definitely didn't wallow in it. He tried to get his life back on track as soon as it was humanely possible. The little stab of annoyance is followed by the already familiar wave of guilt and remorse. Is it all right for him to be so happy so soon after Billy's death and the very messy break-up with Sarah? Finally he's annoyed at himself for feeling so guilty, after all, Sarah looked well over it too when he saw her earlier. Or was it only because she didn't see him, in fact, they haven't bumped into each other in the street recently, so she has been able to forget all about the pain Billy's death and Todd himself caused her. Frustrated with all his conflicting feelings he tries to push them out of his mind. After all, he's going to spend the night with Karl. And once he's allowed the anticipation of the night fill his mind there's no place in there for annoyance, guilt and confusion which seem to belong to quite another world.

* * *

There's really no reason for him to have nightmares that night, drifting into sleep without noticing from a lazy post-coital conversation, snuggling close to Karl, but he does. It's strange, he never normally remembers his dreams and hardly ever has nightmares but things seem to have changed in the past few weeks. This time, he jumps awake with the walls of the courtroom once again slowly falling down on him, it's the same nightmare he had a couple of weeks ago. Sitting up in bed, listening Karl's steady breathing the dream feels unreal but before it completely slips away he vaguely remembers the dream he had before he found himself in the courtroom. He was holding lifeless little Billy in his arms. Now wide awake, he gets up without turning on the light and sits down on the couch to think about the strangeness of his dreams. He knows he's not to blame for what happened to Billy but it looks like the early awful days after the event are going to haunt his dreams for a while. But it's the other dream that puzzles him more. After all, he never got to hold Billy at all, alive or dead, it's only in his dreams that it's possible. He cannot remember what Billy looked like in the dream, only that he was tiny. Although the dream at the time he was experiencing it felt uncomfortable, now the memories of the dream are comforting rather than hurting. Billy will always be part of him, a sad but not necessarily painful memory of his first and maybe his only child. Losing him doesn't really have anything to do with him and Karl now that he's over the first grief. And while he's still ashamed of himself for causing so much distress to Sarah, by imperceptible stages he's come to see that Sarah's coming to terms with his betrayal is out of his hands. It doesn't do any good to him to put his life on hold until he sees that hers is taking off too. Finding out if things will work out with Karl comes first in his life right now – and he feels that everything is as it should be. Until now, regardless of having spent the biggest part of the past three days in bed with Karl, Todd hasn't felt quite this serene.

When he's marvelling at this discovery and thinking that it's time to get back to bed he finds Karl standing next to him. Todd is surprised because he didn't hear Karl getting up.

'Is something the matter?' Karl asks softly and sits down next to him.

'Not any more. I had a nightmare and felt so wide awake after it that I wanted to mull over things a little.'

'Did it help?'

Todd nods, enjoying the weight of Karl's arm round his shoulders.

'Good. I didn't know you had nightmares though.'

'I don't have them often. Billy's death and all that seems to have triggered them.'

'It's not unexpected is it, in the circumstances. He's always going to be there.'

'I know. And thinking about that my baby is dead doesn't hurt anymore. It's strange. I just felt really happy about everything. I don't think I've ever felt like this before.'

'Good,' Karl says playfully. Todd turns to look at Karl properly. For a long moment they just gaze at each other, then they kiss.

After another long moment they have to break apart to breathe.

'Let's get back to bed,' Karl whispers in Todd's ear.

* * *

It's late afternoon and they're making their way to the Rovers. Todd is reluctant to go, what if Jason gets difficult again, or all the Platts, Vera, Les and others who've been avoiding him and making stupid comments have chosen to go for a drink tonight. There has to be one time they are all there when he is, it's just not happened yet. And maybe the presence of Karl will attract hostility from the neighbours who so far have been neutral.

But the sun is shining and he feels so happy and he's with Karl, he can't worry about thing too much. They reach the Rovers but there Todd is brought into a standstill.

'Nervous?' Karl asks.

'Yeah… the last couple of times have been ok but I've got this feeling that the hell's going break loose this time.'

'It'll be fine. Your mum's going to be there. I'll be there – or are you saying that me being there is making it worse?'

'It might. At least if any of the Platts are there. Or then I'll have people queuing to tell me how happy I look now that I've got you. It could be even more embarrassing.'

'Yeah. You're making me nervous too if you don't stop fretting.'

'You? Why?'

'Well, I thought we were about to have a quiet drink with your mum but it's beginning to look as if this is my official introduction in the Street as Todd's Boyfriend, of course I'm getting nervous.'

'Do you ever take anything seriously?' Todd pauses to allow Karl to assume an expression of mock shock, then he continues, looking at the door, 'We'd best get in before we get too nervous to move.'

Todd doesn't move towards the door, however, but gives Karl a lingering kiss. Karl puts his arms around Todd and kisses him back gently.

They don't break apart until Todd spots Jason stood a couple of feet away, looking more uncomfortable than Todd has ever seen him.


	7. Chapter 7

'Hi Jase, is something the matter?'

'No… well, I don't think I'll ever get used to the sight of me little brother snogging blokes.'

'You will, eventually. Jason, this is Karl…' Todd doesn't have time to complete the introductions because Vera's voice, coming from somewhere behind his shoulder, drowns his completely. It doesn't take him long to realise that she must have seen the little show of affection earlier but it's not the only thing she finds off-putting. Jack is trailing behind her, looking almost as embarrassed as Jason did earlier.

'Do you think that people want to see two blokes all over each other in the street? It makes normal decent people sick! Don't tell me you're going in there! Don't you have your own places?'

Jason still looks uncomfortable and at a loss what to say. Todd tries to keep his calm, he doesn't want to give Vera the pleasure of witnessing him flying completely off the handle because of her prejudices.

'Yeah, we're meeting me mam for a drink. Are you coming Jase?' Todd asks, takes Karl's hand and moves towards the door.

Vera appears speechless for a moment but then assumes a stern expression.

'Come Jack, we'll be going home, we can go to the pub tomorrow. We're not going to spend all evening looking those two and whatever they get up to…' She has already taken a couple of steps away when she notices that Jack isn't following her. 'Well?'

'We were going to have a drink in the Rovers tonight and I'm sure me pint's there waiting. If you want to go home instead, you do that alone.'

Vera looks as if she didn't believe her ears. Todd takes the opportunity to march to the door and step in, followed by Karl and Jason.

After all his apprehensions and nightmarish expectations they spend a fairly uneventful evening in the Rovers. Eileen's there already, chatting with Shelley. They get their drinks and settle down. Vera and Jack follow them in, squabbling about his lack of support for her. At first, she keeps going on and on about not wanting to see any perversions in her local in perfectly audible undertones. But she doesn't seem to get the reaction she's after. When the other punters hear her, they throw curious glances at Todd's direction, as if expecting to see him changed overnight into their stereotypical idea of a gayer or as if he had just brought an alien into the pub. After the brief curious glance they all turn their attention back to their pints and drinking mates, satisfied that he's unchanged and his companion an ordinary human being. When Vera's rant has been going on for some minutes, Shelley has a quiet word with her and she shuts up. It doesn't stop her tutting, sighing at Jack's apparent enjoyment of his pint and company and glaring at Todd, though, but he doesn't care about the evil looks. There's enough on his mind just trying to survive sitting through Jason meeting Karl for the first time. And any difficult questions his mum might end up asking.

Jason still looks uncomfortable every time Todd and Karl glance at each other, shifts in his seat every time when he senses a private joke between them. It's not really surprising that he feels awkward, seeing how the evening began, first seeing them snogging and then dreading any scenes Vera might cause. It takes the brave effort of both Eileen and Karl to make Jason feel less of an exhibit and more of an ordinary bloke having a drink with his family. When he forgets the fact that he's talking to the bloke who's sleeping with his brother he's just the ordinary Jason having a laugh. But then he remembers who he's talking to and as if someone turned a switch somewhere, he becomes uncomfortable again.

Todd is finding the situation easier than he ever imagined. Eileen and Karl seem to get along well and keep the conversation going. To his surprise, Todd can actually relax and enjoy the warmth of Karl's leg against his when one of them stretches their legs or shifts in their seats. Thank God Jason doesn't know about it, he thinks, it would only freak him out more. The thought make him smile, a secret smile that doesn't go unnoticed by Jason and that immediately makes him falter.

* * *

They are talking in the street in the front of Number 11 after leaving the pub when Martin and Katy walk past. Katy greets them all cheerfully and looks inclined to stop for a chat. Martin doesn't appear too keen but when Katy stops a resigned expression appears on his face.

'You're back together then,' Todd says to Katy, trying to sound pleased while avoiding looking at Martin.

Luckily, Eileen starts talking to him about something and he answers politely. There's a slightly bitter tone, maybe they are talking about his job prospects, a subject Todd wouldn't have fancied mentioning in Martin's hearing, all things considered, but Eileen is not easily fazed. With a start Todd returns his attention to Katy.

'…couldn't keep apart any longer,' she's saying. 'The families aren't pleased but what else is new? You know me dad, and Martin had to deal with Sarah and David going absolutely livid.'

'How's Sarah?' Todd asks, not sure he wants to hear the answer. At least it was Katy and not him who brought her name into the conversation. He senses that Karl's not too keen on the subject, maybe because they've had a good night and all the talk about Sarah may result in Todd getting upset and ruining the mood.

'Well, from what Martin has said, she's decided to become a hairdresser and take over Audrey's salon when she retires but not putting much effort into actually learning something. I should think she's recovering, like you.'

Todd just shrugs. Katy looks at him.

'I know, in a way you probably never get over it, not completely.' She glances from Todd to Karl and then back.

'So are you two now back together properly, or am I jumping into conclusions again?'

'Yeah, we are.' Todd feels he's blushing again, Karl puts an arm round his shoulder. Katy smiles broadly.

'Good for you. Oooh, you do look great together, so happy!! Listen, the three of us could go out some time, it would be a laugh.'

'Sure, it'd be great. But the two of us hardly are Martin's favourite persons at the moment, won't he throw a strop if you set out for Canal Street with us?' Karl asks.

'He won't be pleased but he knows he can't really ask me to keep away from me mates. Just wants to me to have a good long think next time I'm asked to keep their secrets.' Katy half-smiles when she says this so that they know she's not angry with them, but both Todd and Karl still feel slightly guilty. Eileen, Jason and Martin have come to standstill in their conversation.

'We'd best be off,' Martin says, glancing at Katy, Todd and Karl standing together. His expression is quite friendly, he even meets Todd's eyes. Then his eyes move on to Karl, with his arm still round Todd and he looks slightly less pleased, then makes an effort to pull himself together.

'Have they already found a replacement for me?' he says, apparently looking for a neutral topic.

'Yeah, she's starting next week, someone called Julie Manners, from Leeds.'

'Right. Well, Katy, shall we go now?'

Todd and Karl stay another couple of minutes talking to Eileen and Jason before saying their goodbyes and heading off to Karl's. When they are about to go, Jason pulls Todd aside for a moment.

'He's alright, Karl, you know. I'm sorry if I was too… difficult tonight, it was just shock of seeing you kissing him and everything. But he's alright.'

Todd is both surprised and pleased to hear this. He remembers Jason's reaction when he came out and appreciates how much his attitudes have changed since.

'Yeah, thanks Jase. You've got no need to be sorry about tonight, you were fine.'

On the bus Karl jokes about them getting Jason's blessing and Todd laughs, marvelling that he can actually feel so happy as he does at the moment.


	8. Chapter 8

About a week later, Todd is knocking on Karl's door, waiting, wondering if it's possible to feel any more pissed off than he's feeling at the moment. They are going to the pictures and had agreed to meet by the hospital main entrance after Todd's shift. He's just spent fifteen minutes standing there, waiting for Karl, feeling increasingly stood up, trying to ring him twice, but getting no reply. Eventually he decided to go check Karl's room, just in case. If he doesn't find him there he will go home to Coronation Street. Todd doesn't have to wait long for Karl to open the door. Karl looks preoccupied with something. Seeing Todd's pissed-off expression, he looks surprised but then realises that he's forgotten something.  
Glancing his watch, he says, 'Come in, I'll just get changed. We can still make it. I'm sorry, it just slipped from my mind.'

'How?' The word comes out his mouth angrier than he intended, and before he can stop himself he has launched into 'We talked about it just before you finished. Besides, it was you who suggested that we go to see that film. You who said that we should meet outside the entrance. And I tried calling you. Twice but no reply.'

Karl looks at him, surprised at the tone. He takes a deep breath before he says, 'I know and I said I was sorry, didn't I? I was just about to start getting ready when I remembered that I wanted to check something and I just got carried away and forgot that I was to meet you in thirty minutes.'

Todd looks around and sees one of Karl's nursing textbook open on the bed.

'You got carried away by that?' he asks, incredulous, and only slightly distracted from his annoyance by the sight of Karl buttoning his shirt.

'Yeah,' Karl says. 'Can you see my mobile anywhere, I think I forgot it on silent and didn't even check if I had any calls when I got home. Oh here it is.'

'You got carried away by a textbook?' Todd asks again, still incredulous.

'Yeah, it's just fascinating. Happens quite often when I want to check something, I end up spending half an hour just reading about something completely different, something that just catches my eye. I just enjoy reading that stuff and learning new things about nursing.'

Todd still doesn't quite get this head round believing that somebody could be carried away by a nursing textbook, least of Karl.

'Shall we go then?' Karl asks, pulling his jacket on. Todd follows him out.

Their evening out is not a success. They bicker about everything and nothing in particular all the way to the cinema. Thankful for the fact they don't have to speak to one another during the film they make an effort to forget the bad start after the film and stick to their plan to go out for a drink afterwards. Karl is about go on nights, starting next day, so it had seemed a good idea to go out tonight. After all, since the drink in the Rovers they've spent most nights in.

But tonight's bad start soon looks set to ruin everything. Once out of the cinema, they're soon bickering about the film, whether it was any good or completely fucked up, whether the star actually could act, or was it all about his body, all this and a lot more, to exhaustion. They are both relieved when a mate of Karl's, Dan, walks in the pub, spots Karl and comes over to join them. Soon he and Karl are deep in conversation that jumps from one topic to another very fast, so Todd gives up the effort to keep up with it after less than twenty seconds. Dan is with another bloke, Jon, who, after an awkward moment of silence, starts half-heartedly chatting with Todd. Todd responds, equally half-heartedly. After a couple of minutes the initially forced small talk has become rather more like a real conversation. Karl, still talking to Dan about some other mates and their disastrous holiday on Crete, is clearly listening to Todd and Jon and doesn't appear too pleased about something.

The reason becomes apparent when Dan drags Jon off to another set of mates he's spotted entering the pub. Karl looks at Todd and says, 'Did you have to flirt him like that?'

'What?' Todd says, incredulous.

'You were flirting with him. I'm not blind you know.'

'No, you're just being stupid. I wasn't flirting with him. I was talking to him, while you finished your little chat with… whatever his name was. But if you want to get jealous over nothing, fine.'

'I'm not jealous, I just think you could have tried to make some effort to talk to Dan, instead of having an intimate little talk with his mate.'

'Well, you're doing a bloody good impression of jealous. In fact, you're even worse than your not-quite-so-thick-as-he-seems ex. At least he had a clue about what really was going on.'

'Robbie? You're dragging Robbie into this? I'm not jealous, I just thought you were inconsiderate.'

'Whatever.' Todd pauses, there are loads of things on the tip of his tongue that he really wants to say but none of them wants to come out. Finally he comes up with 'There's no point trying to talk to you tonight. I'm going home.'

'You do that. As far as I remember, it was you who was pissed off with everything from the start tonight.'

Now Todd's simply too angry to reply. Angry at Karl for being completely irrational just now but also at the way things have been all evening. He gets up and walks out of the pub without saying another word, not looking back. A tiny part of him wants Karl to run after him but he knows it won't happen, not tonight, and even if Karl did it, it would only lead to further squabbling. It's better to leave it for now and talk about it tomorrow when they're both calmer and can simply laugh at their silly row. It's the sensible thing to do, but the thought doesn't make him feel any better now.

* * *

The next day, Todd rings Karl before his shift. Karl's rather grumpy, he's just got up. But they both apologise for the way they were the night before. It's just too bad they won't be see much of each other over the next few days, with Karl on nights and Todd the evenings. It feels strange to be apart, they have got used to spending most of their free time together. But it's only a few days, they try to reason with one another, it won't last forever. Then they can make up properly, can go out and erase the memories of the evening that went wrong from the start. By the time Todd rings off he's feeling much better, although a part of him things they haven't properly made up until they can do it in flesh, not just over the phone.

* * *

Later, Todd is sat in the canteen with Tim, his porter mate, drinking coffee, talking about a difficult patient and her even more difficult daughter and cursing hospital portering in general when Sean walks in, looking very downcast.

'I've done it now,' says Sean glumly when joins Todd and Tim at their table.

'Done what?' Todd asks.

'Handed in my notice. I can't stand another minute of working for that piece of shit who calls himself my boss.'

'I'm sorry,' Todd says. 'What are you going to do now? You said you were looking for a job earlier.'

'No need to be sorry Todd, I'm just relieved to be free of him. I'll have to wait and see if something comes up. I'd fancy doing something completely different. Just don't know what that could be at the moment.'

They are all silent for a moment. Sean stares his hands, Tim checks the time and glances meaningfully at Todd. They should really be getting back but Todd doesn't really like leaving Sean like this.

'You wouldn't fancy going out for a drink tonight, to celebrate your freedom?' Todd asks, in a lame attempt to do something.

Sean looks slightly surprised at Todd's suggestion. But then he nods.

'Yeah, it'd be great. Do you know if Karl's up to it?'

'I suppose he would, only he's on nights at the moment.'

'Oh well, it's just you and me then. What time do you finish?'

Todd tells him and they settle to meet in a pub in Canal Street after Todd's shift.


	9. Chapter 9

After his shift Todd is knackered and wonders if going for a drink with Sean is a good idea tonight. But as it was him who suggested it, he doesn't think he can cancel, and considering his options, whether to go out with Sean or go home to Number 11 to sleep, it's not difficult to choose what he wants to do.

He bumps into Karl on his way out. Karl, who's just started his shift, seems busy but a smile breaks on his face when he sees Todd.

'Hello lover,' Karl says and ruffles Todd's hair. Todd enjoys the touch, which, together with the genuine smile on his face when he saw Todd proves to him that Karl's really decided to forget about last night.

'Sean rang me earlier. He told me that he quit his job. About the time too, he's been moaning about that stupid boss of his for ages. Let's hope he'll find something else soon. Come to think of it, Sean always does. Oh, and then he said you're going out with him tonight.'

'Yeah, I thought he needed cheering up or something.'

'Very kind of you.' Karl looks at him approvingly. He hesitates a second and then adds, 'Just look after him, will you, that he won't overdo it and start drowning his sorrows.'

'I will.' After a slight pause he adds, 'Is that likely?'

'From what he sounded like on the phone, I reckon he's more gutted about quitting than he wants to admit. I wish I could come with you.'

'Me too. I'll keep an eye on him, don't worry.'

Karl looks down at the folder he's carrying.

'I can't stay any longer, I was supposed to take this to maternity five minutes ago.'

Todd kisses him lightly and he smiles.

'Don't go kissing too many blokes, all right?'

'Why should I be kissing blokes anyway?'

'I don't know, just seems to be something you do when you're set free to explore Canal Street.'

'Oh, there won't be time to kiss any blokes if I'm keeping an eye on Sean,' Todd jokes. Karl smiles at him and gives him a kiss before he must get back to work. Todd follows him with his eyes, then sets out for Canal Street.

* * *

Reaching Canal Street, he feels the buzz of anticipation but it also makes him realise that he's never been there without Karl and it feels strange. But not for long. He enters the pub, finds Sean surrounded by a circle of mates, telling a funny story by the look of things, his night well underway. His eyes happen to fall on Todd as soon as he walks in and he breaks off mid-word in his story.

'Todd! There you are, I almost thought you wouldn't come.'

'Of course I came. Just met Karl on my way out,' Todd says.

'Oh, I can see you might have trouble dragging yourself off then. Speaking of Karl, I rang him earlier and he said I should keep an eye on you to stop you from having too much fun. Can't imagine what he meant by it. Anyway, where was I?'

Someone tells him and Sean continues his story while Todd has a look around. He thinks he's seen most of Sean's mates on earlier occasions in Canal Street but he doesn't remember their names. He feels slightly awkward, not really comfortable around new people but he, too, is soon eagerly listening to Sean's story. When he's finished they're all in fits of laughter which take several minutes to die off. Then it's another round of drinks, another crazy story from Sean, followed by more drinks and more stories. By the time they leave the pub to go to somewhere else Todd has lost count.

Once in the bar, the group split into twos and threes, some of them dancing, others drinking and watching people. Todd stays close to Sean, partly because he's feeling slightly left out, partly because of his promise to keep an eye on him. He runs his gaze idly on the dancing blokes. It's quite fun but he misses Karl, wishing he was here with him now. He has something more to drink, resumes looking at blokes, avoiding looking at the couples because it makes him miss Karl even more.

Todd is roused from his thoughts by someone saying his name. Turning his head, he sees Jon. He's pleased to see him, to have someone to talk to, someone to pay him some attention. They get drinks and sit down, picking up their talk where they left it last night. Almost imperceptibly their banter gets a flirty edge that Todd's fairly sure wasn't there yesterday. Todd enjoys it, enjoys Jon's attention. Suddenly it seems a little funny to him to be so taken by Jon although he doesn't even really fancy him. He has some trouble suppressing his giggles, Jon stops in mid-sentence and asks why he's laughing. Todd can't really explain, just signals Jon to carry on with his story.

A couple of hours later Todd knows beyond all doubt that he's had a bit too much to drink tonight but he's enjoying himself, talking and laughing with Jon, keeping an eye on Sean dancing with his mates, looking like he won't stay on his feet much longer. He's feeling a bit sleepy, not much, but concentrating on talking to Jon is getting harder. He blinks, trying to remember what it was that Jon just said, but can't. He blinks again, only to find Jon's hand brushing his face, not sure how it got there, but enjoys the touch all the same.

'Are you all right?' Jon asks, taking his hand away. Todd feels slightly disappointed and it probably shows.

He leans in closer and says to Jon's ear, 'I'm fine, just a bit tired.' He ends up resting his head on Jon's shoulder.

'Todd, do you hear me?' Jon says and pulls away a bit. Todd looks him straight in the eye for a moment. He's not quite sure which of them leans in for a kiss first. He thinks it's Jon, it's easier to think that it's Jon and not him. That way, he can escape admitting to himself that he's been wanting this for a while. It's a gentle tentative kiss at first but it soon becomes more intense. Jon puts an arm round Todd's shoulders and pulls him closer. Todd feels he's melting, snogging Jon feels so good, his senses are getting overwhelmed by Jon's closeness.

It's not until somebody bumps into a nearby table and sends a couple of empty glasses flying, breaking in the process, that they take any notice of their surroundings. Todd sees Sean and it looks like someone pushed him against the table. Sean doesn't look very steady on his feet. The sight of him sobers Todd up. He hasn't really paid much attention to Sean during the past hour or so and feels a bit guilty. He disentangles himself from Jon and gets up.

'I'd better see that he gets home all right, I promised… someone I will look after him tonight.'  
There's a slight pause. 'Ah, you promised Karl. I see,' Jon says rather flatly. Only now Todd realises that he might have been giving out the wrong signal about his availability.

'Good night,' Todd says and leans in to kiss Jon lightly on the lips. 'I'll see you around. I had a great time tonight. I mean it.'

He walks up to Sean who's looking at them, visibly shocked, with unfocused eyes and swaying a lot.

* * *

Todd is steadying Sean a bit when they are walking out of the bar. Sean is rambling about what he saw, 'I mean, I said to Karl I'd keep an eye on you… I did wonder why he asked me to? But looks like he had good reason… You do need keeping an eye on, naughty boy, at the speed you end up snogging blokes… ' He glances at Todd which causes them to go off-course and almost walk into a wall.  
Todd is embarrassed and tries to change the subject. Luckily, they are outside and the cab's there.

'Are you sure you'll get home all right?' Todd asks, opening the door for Sean.

'Yeah, I think I'll manage,' Sean says.

'Good night then,' Todd says and after a slight hesitation kisses Sean on the cheek. Sean looks surprised.

'Good night Todd. Are you sure you'll get home all right?'

Todd nods. He watches Sean climbing in and closing the door and the cab driving away before getting into another to go home.

* * *

At Number 11 he tries to be quiet and not to wake his mother or Jason but he stumbles on something in the stairs and doesn't succeed in stifling his curses in time. He climbs the remaining stairs as fast as he can and opens the bedroom door quietly.

'What was the noise earlier?' Jason asks from his bed.

'I stumbled in the stairs. Just go back to sleep.'

'One too many, had you? And how come you're sleeping here after a night out?'

Todd blushes and is glad that it's dark so that Jason can't see it.

'Karl's on nights, I wasn't out with him, I was out with other mates.'

'Oh,' Jason says, and adds after a pause, 'Good night.'

'Good night,' Todd says. He gets undressed as fast as he can, sets his alarm and gets into bed. He's soon fast asleep, sleeping dreamless sleep, spared from nightmares that have been haunting him lately and which might have got more ammunition from tonight.


	10. Chapter 10

He's not feeling his best when his alarm goes off at noon the next day. After a long hot shower, coffee and toast for breakfast and something for his headache he's a bit better but definitely not looking forward to going to work shortly. Some of his memories of the night are rather hazy and he pushes them out of his mind. There will be time for that after work. And he's probably got to speak to Sean. The thought makes him slightly nauseous and his head seems to feel even heavier.

At work, Phil takes one look at him.

'You look awful. Are you sure you're fit to work? Have you been out all night or something?'

Todd ignores the second question. 'I'm fine, just a little tired.'

'If you say so,' Phil shrugs.

It's a busy day for him which is good because his brain isn't up to anything but routine work. During his break he goes to sit outside, alone, to get some fresh air but also to avoid his porter mates because they've been joking about his tiredness and its potential causes all day and he has preferred not to put them right. He has hardly sat down on the bench when he sees Sean, looking nearly as wrecked as he feels.

'There you are, I wanted to speak to you about last night.'

Todd notices that Sean looks unusually serious.

'How are you?' Todd asks, wanting to put off the serious discussion that seems to be on the cards.

'Not too bad, considering. Thanks for looking after me, did Karl put you to it?'

'Yeah, he said to keep an eye on you.'

'Funny that, he said to keep an eye on you too. Is there any particular reason why?'

Todd explains, trying to be fair and remember that he was pissed off with Karl from the beginning, ending his explanation to incredulous '…and his excuse was that he got distracted by his nursing textbooks.'

He surprised to see Sean's smile.

'That's Karl for you. Nursing must be one of the very few things on this earth he takes really seriously. He wants to be a good nurse, he's wanted that from day one, he loves his work. That's where he's ambitious and all.' Sean pauses. 'Anyway, to the point, did you flirt with someone else?'

'No. I mean, I'm pretty sure I didn't, it was all in his head. We've made up, though, he seemed fine when I bumped into him before setting out yesterday. He was joking when he said that I shouldn't kiss too many blokes although it seems to be my thing on a night out.'

'I see. So if and when he asks how many blokes you kissed last night, what are you going tell him? Some of my memories aren't very clear but the one of you and that bloke all over one another isn't one of them.'

Todd feels the flush rising on his cheeks when he stops to think.

'I'm not going to tell him about snogging Jon,' he says finally. If Karl is on the mood to jump into conclusions, telling him that he snogged Jon after the row they had won't be a good idea. But then he realises that keeping silent about it might imply that it was more than just a bit of drunken snogging. However, he reckons it's best not to mention it to Karl, because of the row.

Sean looks at him searchingly, then shrugs. 'It's your decision, don't worry, I'm not going to blab. But… are you sure it's for the best?'

'The bloke he accused me of flirting with, it was Jon. I… I'm not sure I could tell Karl that I was snogging Jon without him flying off the handle.'

Sean takes his time answering.

'Are you sure it was just a bit of drunken snogging?'

'Yeah.'

'If you say so, fine. But… you do know Karl's in love with you, don't you? And he's my best mate and I don't want to see him hurt.'

Todd can't think of anything to say. Neither of them has said the words this time. Well, Karl never quite said them in May either. Lately, Todd hasn't spent much time analysing what he feels for Karl or what Karl feels for him. They're happy together, Todd fancies Karl like crazy, wants him and when they're apart misses him terribly. He really really likes Karl but does it mean he's in love with him? If he's completely honest to himself, he must admit that he doesn't know.

He becomes conscious of Sean looking at him closely.

'Maybe I shouldn't have said that. He hasn't been talking about it. Not much anyway. Which makes it clear to me that you must be different from his earlier boyfriends – I knew all about how great they were, what Karl felt for them, what they had rowed about, what was the sex like, everything. But with you… he never said anything before that ex-father-in-law candidate of yours attacked him, and what he said then… well, I know him and I've never seen him like that. As I said, he's my best mate, I don't want to see him hurt. So if you're not serious about him… don't prolong things unnecessarily.'

Todd doesn't know what to say. There has been too much to take in at the moment. He glances his watch.  
'I really should be going back to work.'

* * *

Rest of his shift, he keeps telling himself that it's not a big deal to have kissed someone else but deep down he knows it's not the kissing itself that he's feeling guilty about, it's the fact that he knows he wanted more than that at the time, as far as he remembers, and isn't sure if anything would have stopped him from going to get it had not Sean appeared at the time. He tries to assure himself that it was just the drink that got him to flirt with Jon, to kiss him, it wasn't anything else. He doesn't even fancy Jon for god's sake, it's as simple as that.

Fortunately, he's kept busy and there's no more time for the confused analysis of his feelings. Ten minutes before he's due to clock off there is suddenly a flurry of activity in the A &amp; E and he's roped in for another couple of hours until things get back to normal. Apparently, there have been three car crashes in the area within half an hour or so and more than one people have been injured in each of them. It takes three hours of running from one task to another until the rush ends just as quickly as it started. The hardest part of the three hours is not the rush and his tiredness, it's witnessing the distress of a young woman whose baby and fiancé were injured in one of the car crashes. He's struggles to keep his emotions in control but nearly loses it when he sees the nurses and doctors gathered round the baby. He swallows hard, trying the ignore the lump in his throat and the sinking dreading feeling. Luckily, he's needed to take an old man to have his leg x-rayed, which gives him a chance to pull himself together. Finally, he's told he can go, they will manage. He exchanges a couple of words with the night-shift porters before making his way out. It's been a tough day and he's glad it's over, glad that he's too tired to think.

* * *

On his way out, Todd spots Karl in the corridor and makes his way towards him. Karl looks so genuinely pleased to see him that Todd immediately feels slightly guilty despite being so exhausted that he thought there's no room such feelings.

'What you're still doing here? I thought you were supposed to finish three hours ago. And you look awful by the way.'

Todd explains, about being roped in for help and about the baby, trying to keep it light. Karl looks concerned and squeezes his shoulder.

'That reminds me, which shift you're on next?' Karl asks.

'Days I think, why?'

'This is getting silly, we only get to see each other five minutes a day, it's never going to work like this, so I thought we could try to get on the same shifts. Or at least something better than this. I'm on mornings next, so it's not going to be too bad but we have to see about after that.'

'Yeah, it would be great.'

'How was last night?'

'OK. I missed you though.'

'With all the gorgeous blokes down there? You're not saying you sat in the corner moping about, are you?'

'No, I did enjoy myself, it's just it would have been even better with you.' Karl looks at him tenderly.

'I'll be there next time. I have to dash now,' he says. Todd kisses him, a lingering kiss that he doesn't want to end but just then one of the ward Sisters walks past, signalling her disapproval and making them jump apart. When she's gone Karl returns to work and Todd heads home to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

It's Todd's day off and he can't believe how fast the day has flown by. It's past five already and he feels he's barely started to do all the things he has planned. He had arranged to meet Jon for coffee around noon, then he had headed to Number 11 to get some of his things from there. The chat with Jon overflowed a little and he got pretty rushed to get started with the other things he'd planned to do. It looks like some of them will just have to wait, he thinks. Maybe when he's got his next day off. He really feels guilty about not going to see Sunita for a long time, for example. He should have when he was on the evenings, seeing he spent more time in the Street then, but at the time he passed the days mostly sleeping. And this morning when he would have had the time, he went to see Jon in town directly from Karl's and it would have felt stupid to do two trips in the Street during one day. Oh well, maybe she'll be in the Rovers if they drop in for a pint later.

He glances at his watch and grimaces. It's best to head upstairs and get the things he wanted to take with him and postpone everything else to another time.

He has just collected the things he needs and sat down on the sofa when his mobile rings. It's Jon who wants to know if he can drop by the next day, there's something Jon wants him to see. Todd promises he will, after work. They chat for a couple of minutes about nothing in particular before calling off.

'Can't spend five minutes away from him, can you?' Jason asks, half joking, half desperate to not get too much information. Todd jumps, he didn't realise Jason had come home, he isn't sure how long Jason's been overhearing and even less sure how Jason jumped into conclusions.

'You mean Karl? Yes we can. And it wasn't him.'

'Oh,' is the only thing Jason seems to be able to come up with. He looks slightly confused over something. 'I just thought, it sounded like you were talking to him.'

'Well I wasn't. Not that it's any of your business, but I was talking to a mate I saw earlier today.'

There a knock on the door.

'That'll be Karl, I told him to come over. See, I didn't need to ring him to talk to him.'

Todd goes to open the door. It is Karl who hugs and kisses him as soon as he's stepped inside in the hallway and Todd has closed the door. Jason walks in from the living room just in time to see the kiss and groans.

'Can't you two wait until you're alone together?' he asks, a little exasperated.

'We were alone, how was Karl to know you were there?'

Jason doesn't look too happy at this but doesn't say anything.

'Which shall we do first, go for a drink or go for that walk?' Todd asks Karl. 'Do you fancy going for a pint with us Jason? 'Cos if you do, then we'd better do that first?'

Jason hesitates just slightly before he says, 'All right then.'

'Great. Shall we go then?'

* * *

The Rovers is fairly full and Todd's heart sinks when he sees Les Battersby by the bar. He hasn't still quite forgotten what Eileen told about his silly little comments. Although it may not be the wisest thing to do in the circumstances, Todd moves a little closer to Karl for a moment, as if to feel more secure. He gets their drinks and while Shelley's getting them, asks her if she's seen Sunita lately. There's a flicker of an expression on her face that he doesn't quite understand. Shelley hesitates before she answers.

'I'm sure that she'd appreciated it if you went to see her. Mind you, she's got a lot on her mind.'

'What?' Todd asks, confused and worried.

'I can't really tell you… it's her business… but… I guess I can say this. She could be better and that fiancée of Dev's has been awful to her lately. But you'd better not tell her that I said this.'

'Shelley, you're really making me worried. Is she alright or not?'

'Look Todd, I've already said too much. Just go see her and be there for her, she'll tell you when she's ready.'

Todd can see that Shelley won't say any more so he just pays for the drinks and makes his way towards Jason and Karl who seem to manage to get some conversation going without him being there.

* * *

They are talking about their days, mostly. Jason seems fairly relaxed this time, it looks like he has forgotten he has to feel uncomfortable around Karl. This time, he doesn't even look too bothered if Todd and Karl happen to touch one another or share a smile at a private joke. The only time he does look unhappy is when Todd makes an attempt at sounding casual when he mentions that he saw Jon for coffee earlier. Todd registers the expression and wonders what it means but cannot analyse it properly now because Les has finally noticed him. It has taken him surprisingly long but now that he has emerged from his discussion with Kirk and Fiz he can freely look completely disgusted at seeing Todd and Karl sat next to one another. He makes sure everyone else in the pub finds out it too. Shelley warns him sharply to keep his opinions to himself or leave the pub but Les doesn't really listen. As far as Todd can see, the rest of the punters are keenly watching the show, although none of them, apart from Kirk maybe, seem in any way prepared to take part in it. Todd glances at Jason and sees that he's gone pale and looks really uncomfortable for the first time since they entered the pub.

Trying to ignore Les and avoid letting him provoke them into a reaction seems to him the best strategy at first. So he and Karl make a brave attempt at continuing their conversation as if they were not hearing any homophobic jokes from Les's direction. Disappointed at the lack of a reaction, any reaction, Les changes tact and starts directing his comments to Jason, who's getting paler and more uncomfortable by the second. Todd hates the situation, thinking that it can only result in Jason reverting back to not wanting a poof for a brother if it always leads to someone to start voicing their disapproval or telling unfunny jokes. He's just decided that something needs to be done, he's not sure what, but pouring Les's fresh pint on him or snogging Karl just to make Les squirm seem equally appealing options. The former might end up causing a lot more trouble than the present situation and snogging Karl would only embarrass Jason more than enough which after all wouldn't be the point of the exercise.

Before he can put either of his bad plans into action, Fiz opens her mouth.

'Oh shut up Les, don't forget you were happy enough to play gay to the council people a couple of years ago when they found out you were subletting to Kirk. Oh god it was hilarious… So how come Todd having a quiet drink with his boyfriend is suddenly so awful?'

For a moment Les looks shaken, as if Fiz just delivered a blow below his belt. There is a wave of little half-incredulous sniggers around the pub. Todd can't quite believe his ears.

Les makes a feeble attempt at shutting Fiz up by arguing in an undertone, 'But it was different. And it didn't work.'

'How was it different?' Fiz counters him. 'Because you weren't really gay? But the point of it was to get that council person to believe that you were. You really tried that. And if you had succeeded, maybe the council person would have said the same about you in their local. There's no point arguing that you really weren't gay as they were meant to believe it.'

Les glares at Fiz but admits his defeat. He clearly doesn't like being laughed at, he glances his only half-drunk pint regretfully before he gets up and walks out of the pub, glowering at Todd and Karl. Jason looks immensely relieved to see him go.

'Are these scenes ever going to stop?' he asks miserably.

'Well, Vera had hers the other day and I don't think Les will cause much trouble after tonight. So maybe next time is less uneventful. They got used to seeing me here and now they are getting used to seeing me here with Karl.'

* * *

They finish their drinks in silence mostly, then get up and leave. In the Street they meet Katy who immediately starts telling them about her driving test. Jason listens only for a moment before he asks Todd if he can have a word with him. Todd is puzzled but follows him a little way from Karl and Katy.

'Look, it's none of my business, but are you… you know, seeing someone else behind his back?' Jason asks. Todd is completely taken by surprise.

'No, what gives you the idea?'

'I don't know, you were out that night but not with him, the way you were on the phone this afternoon, you avoided talking about your day – what else should I think?'

'Turned private detective, have you? It's all in your imagination.'

'If you say so.' Jason doesn't look entirely convinced. 'I just thought, you know…'

'This isn't about gay men sleeping with every bloke they meet, is this Jase?' Seeing Jason's sheepish expression Todd continues, 'Christ, Jason… You know me, I don't sleep around. I didn't before and I don't do it now just because I've come out. I didn't get a personality transplant in May you know.'

'You were sleeping with him when you were with Sarah.'

Todd feels the sting of this statement of fact. Jason is right of course.

'Well it was different. Or it wasn't really but… I'm not like that. I haven't forgotten it in a hurry, I don't want to find myself in that kind of a situation any more. Just believe me, will you, I'm not cheating on Karl.'

Jason looks relieved but still not fully convinced. 'If you say so,' he grunts and turns back to Katy and asks how many cyclists she knocked down during her test.

* * *

They are walking to back to Karl's, leisurely, laughing at Fiz's story of desperate Les and Les's rather hasty exit from the Rovers, talking about nothing in particular, stopping to get a video and arguing amicably what they want to see. It's not until they're climbing the stairs that Karl asks what Jason wanted to talk about.

'Nothing, just stuff.'

'He didn't look too happy.'

'Nah, it wasn't anything important, just brother stuff.'

Karl just shrugs. He turns to look at Todd. Todd averts his eyes and smiles a little uncertainly, only to feel Karl ruffling his hair.

'Let's get in, shall we?'


	12. Chapter 12

Todd emerges from the corner shop and makes his way towards the bus stop. He's been to the shop to see Sunita. They didn't have particularly good chances to talk because customers kept trickling in to get milk, or bread, or something, as if purposely to interrupt their talk. Initially, Sunita wasn't very willing to talk about herself, she kept dodging his questions and turning the conversation to him, his job, Karl, the neighbours' reactions. Finally, she had told him about the tumour, the aneurysm, the operation, Dev and Mad Maya, trying to keep all of it light. She had assured him that she would be fine, Todd shouldn't worry. He couldn't help worrying though, but tried to act cheerful to please her and for the sake of Emily coming in to get some milk. After Emily had gone, he had checked the time and realised he should be on his way, to get the things he forgot to take with him from Number 11 before heading off to see Jon. He promised to Sunita to come to see her again soon.

Waiting for the bus to take him into town he keeps thinking about Sunita. He can't believe he's been so tied up with his own life to only find out about her now. Some mate he's been lately, he thinks darkly and swears to himself that he'll be a better one in the future. Still deep in his thoughts he looks up and sees Sarah and Bethany walking towards him. Bethany lets go of Sarah's hand and runs to him, shouting excitedly, 'Todd, Todd.'

Todd picks her up without thinking while she's asking why he never comes to see her again. Todd doesn't want to answer the questions and tries to distract her by asking about her day. She launches into an excited explanation which doesn't make much sense to him, besides, it's difficult to concentrate on listening to her when he's seeing Sarah standing a few feet away, with an expression Todd can't quite decipher. He puts Bethany back down, she protests for a while, then goes over to her mother and takes her hand.

'How are you?' Todd asks Sarah after a moment's very uncomfortable silence. For a fleeting second Sarah looks like she's going to bite his head off but then checks herself.

'Not too good,' she says quietly.

'I'm sorry,' Todd says, feeling awkward. He immediately realises it wasn't a very wise thing to say.

'Are you? Every time I turn around somebody's gossiping about you and Karl. Every time I walk out of our front door I feel that people are laughing at me for not realising what was going on. It's all right for you to be happy, no need to hide your true feelings any more, no need to try to be nice to stupid little Sarah so that you can imagine you've got your family, no need to worry about making the ends meet, no need to try to find someone to look after Bethany when you want some time for yourself…'

Sarah stops to breathe but continues before Todd can think of anything to say to get her calm down. Bethany is looking rather scared and Todd wants to comfort her but knows that any attempt will only serve to make Sarah even angrier. 'Don't ever think that I don't know what you're thinking, what they're thinking, you're lucky to be rid of stupid Sarah, they all think so, stupid Sarah turns her boyfriend gay, stupid Sarah gets pregnant again and can't even get the baby through the pregnancy, stupid Sarah gets the sack from her own grandmother…'

The rumble of the arriving bus drowns the rest of Sarah's sentence and robs Todd of even a chance to make Sarah feel less sorry for herself. Embarrassed and unhappy about her outburst, he just mutters 'No one thinks that way, you'll feel better soon,' before climbing on the bus. Through the window he sees her standing there, looking like a lost little girl. Although he's annoyed at her wallowing in self-pity and making Bethany witness the scene she was making, wondering whatever happened to the recovery Katy mentioned some time ago, he feels awful. How could he put her through all that? He reminds himself that there's nothing he can do about it now, he hurt her and he can't undo that, and Sarah must find her own way of coming to terms with it all. He's indeed very lucky, lucky to have Karl, lucky to have his job and mates to give him something new to think about, helping him to move on.

* * *

'So what did you want to show me?' Todd asks Jon, after having spent fifteen minutes curled up in Jon's armchair, chatting and drinking beer.

'This,' Jon says and digs up a sheet of paper. Todd reads through the text, first a child's uneven handwriting, then an addition in an almost unreadable teenage scrawl.

'What is it? And why did you want to show it to me?'

'A letter I wrote to myself when I was twelve. You see that I list out all I want to do, become a rich and famous judge and all. I found it when I was sixteen and added that note then, can you read it?'

Todd nods, 'Just barely.'

'Well, I took it all back then. And that's really the reason I wanted you to see it. It's not a big deal to change your mind about what you want. My parents wanted me to go and study law when I was applying for universities, and because they wanted it and I had wanted it as a child, they were certain that I'd still want it. I didn't. And here am I, studying English and having no idea what I end up doing. At least I'm doing something I want to do and enjoy doing.'

'Must be great,' Todd says, surprised to hear a slightly bitter note in his voice.

'If you were applying for university now, what would you want to study? Law?'

Todd thinks about this for a moment.

'Not law. I can't remember why I wanted that in the first place. I don't know.'

'Well, what did you really like at school? Or at college?'

'I think I liked history best.'

'Me too. Me and my mate Anna, I think we were both rather in love with our history teacher, Mr Johnson, because he made history fascinating. We used to help one another to write our essays after we found that we did much better that way.'

'So why aren't you studying History now?'

'It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. I liked English too and was hovering between English, History or both. In the end I chose English. I felt that although I liked history, English was more me. Anna chose History, she's in Aberdeen studying Cultural History which according to her is the best and most interesting subject on earth. She's into History of Philosophy, History of Ideas, that sort of thing.'

'Right,' Todd says.

'Have you thought about going back to college, taking A-levels and then maybe going to uni?'

'Not recently, no.'

'Maybe you should. You can't spend the rest of your life as hospital porter. Especially if you're only sticking with it because you don't want to change your mind about leaving schools without A-levels.'

Todd knows it's true but doesn't really think he has a choice at the moment.

'Don't you miss it at all?' Jon asks.

'Not really, no.'

'Well, you wouldn't have to be a bright schoolboy any more. It's not the same as it was last time. You're older, you've got some perspective into things. Maybe you should start thinking about it.'

Todd looks at Jon and wonders why it's easier to take this from him when he's usually ready to bite the head off from anyone else, his mum, Karl, anyone, suggesting the same. Perhaps because Jon's an outsider, there's no need to prove to him that he sticks with his decisions. Not that he feels he's reacting to the others simply because of the desire to prove that. For the first time for a long time he's thinking about school as a place from where he can get new ideas instead of a place where everyone's putting him into a role from which there's no way out for him.

Todd is roused from his thoughts by the sound of Jon's mobile ringing. He checks the time and realises that he'd best be going, Karl must already be wondering where he's got to.

'Give me half an hour, will you?' Jon says on the phone, looking exasperated.

'Fine, twenty minutes, see you then, bye.'

Jon glares at the phone, and turns to explain to Todd, 'It was Dan, we're going out. Look, I don't want to be rude or anything, but…'

'I was going anyway…'

'It's just that he's the worst gossip I've ever known, and he always exaggerates a lot or either has a very wild imagination, seeing things that nobody else does. If he sees you walking down the street with a bloke, especially if it's someone he doesn't know, by the next morning he'll have told everybody how he saw you snogging your new boyfriend. So unless you want him ringing Karl that he walked in on us shagging or something, you'd better go before he's here.'

Seeing Todd's incredulous expression, he continues, 'I'm not joking, that's exactly what he'd do.'

Todd gets up from his chair and starts putting his jacket on.

'D'you know if Dan saw us in the bar that night? He was there, wasn't he?' he asks, trying to sound unconcerned.

'I don't know, I've hardly heard from him since, he met one of his exes that night and they've been together ever since but apparently the ex dumped him again today. But if he did see us, he would have given Karl a ring, first thing. Has Karl said anything?'

'No,' Todd says, feeling the growing dread inside.

'Well, let's try to keep it that way,' Jon says, clearly making a conscious effort to keep things light.  
Todd nods.

'See you soon,' he says and hesitates only slightly before hugging Jon briefly. He senses that Jon didn't expect him to do it but is pleased nonetheless.

* * *

Todd is feeling worried and slightly paranoid when he walks out of Jon's building and makes his way to the bus stop. He doesn't want to run into Dan and can't help thinking what he might have said to Karl. Surely Karl would have mentioned it by now, he reasons with himself. But there's no way of finding out, he can't ask Karl in case Karl hadn't heard. And besides, Dan is Karl's mate as well as Jon, surely Karl would know how unreliable Dan's stories are. He tries to stop himself from thinking worrying thoughts but once he rids his mind off one, there are others to take its place, Sunita's health and Sarah's outburst.

* * *

When he arrives at Karl's he finds Sean there.

'Hi, I was just starting to wonder where you'd got to,' Karl says.

'Took me longer than I thought, everyone stopped for a chat. I saw Sarah as well… and it was really bad, she got upset.'

'I'm sorry,' Karl says, looking concerned.

There's a moment's silence, eventually broken by Sean.

'Well, I'd best be off… Oh, I almost forgot, Todd, you live on Coronation Street, don't you? Well, I might get a job in the neighbourhood, I was on the phone with a bloke called Baldwin the other day.'

'You mean you're getting a job at Underworld?'

'Yeah, I said I fancied doing something different, didn't I?'

'But… making knickers? So you know your way around a sewing machine?'

'Don't get him started at the things he can do, he's dabbled in little bit of everything,' Karl says smiling.

'Well, good luck. You'll going to need it, especially if you get the job, the factory girls are a tough lot, they'll eat you alive.'

'We'll see about that,' Sean laughs.

* * *

When Sean has gone Todd sits down on the sofa, suddenly feeling completely exhausted. Karl takes a good look at him and pulls him closer. Todd enjoys the warmth of his body, and snuggles closer.

'So you met Sarah,' Karl says.

'Yeah. Or she happened to walk past when I was waiting for the bus. Bethany ran straight to me when she saw me, but it was really awkward with Sarah and then she just flipped and started screaming at me how miserable her life is.'

'I'm sorry.'

'I know. I'm sorry that Bethany had to see and hear it.'

'How are you feeling about it now?' Karl asks carefully.

Todd moves slightly to be able look him in the eyes. 'That I'm lucky to have you, lucky that my life's back on track, lucky that I'm happy.'

Karl looks at him for a moment, with a gentle expression that makes Todd melt inside. Then Karl kisses him and Todd forgets everything about Sarah and concentrates on getting even closer to Karl.


	13. Chapter 13

Todd yawns, drops the paper he's been reading to the floor and glances at Karl who's been engrossed in his _Nursing Standard_ for the past hour. Karl's eyes are closed and the magazine is about to slip from his hands. Todd tries to free his legs from somewhere under Karl's to get up without waking him but without success, Karl opens his eyes when he feels him moving.

'Sorry, I tried not to wake you,' Todd says.

'Nah, didn't plan spend all evening napping.'

'So, what did you plan then?'

'Didn't plan anything much, thought we could find ways to pass the time without planning. Just didn't realise I'd be quite this tired, my day wasn't too bad. Well, it wouldn't have been too bad without that witch.'

'What witch?' Todd asks while putting the kettle on.

'A woman who came in today. She was a nightmare, I tell you. Didn't want to be treated by female doctors and/or male nurses. Julie assigned me to look after her, we were really busy, there was no one else and the patient wasn't happy at all. It was fine as long as she just voiced her opinions that women were unsuitable as doctors because you can't trust a woman with something so responsible and male nurses should see error in their ways and get back to men's jobs.'

'That's just crazy. Was she old?'

'In her mid-forties. Not too old anyway. It was really absurd, I was afraid I was going to laugh aloud. But then she started insinuating that female doctors and male nurses have to be gay, otherwise they wouldn't choose professions unnatural to their gender or something. Julie overheard that and got her to shut up. She's great, Julie.'

'So you don't miss Martin then?'

'No. Julie's great although you don't want to get on wrong side of her.'

Todd sits back down on his end of the couch with his tea and hands Karl his.

'So why were you calling that patient a witch?'

'After Julie shut her up she started talking about her cats, the time she cursed her neighbour's dog and it died, and then she boasted about being a psychic. It was really weird, and it was getting weirder by the minute.'

They drink their teas in silence for a few minutes. Then Todd blurts out something he's been dying to tell Karl all day, 'I've been thinking of going back to college to re-sit my A-levels.'

Karl looks up, surprised. For once he seems lost for words. Maybe, Todd thinks, he's dying to say, 'I always knew you'd do that, one day,' but doesn't want to, in case it sours Todd's mood.

'Really? You mean you've actually decided to do it,' he says at last, sounding slightly incredulous.

'Yeah really,' Todd says.

Karl looks at him closely, as if to see if Todd really means it. Then he puts down his mug and reaches to hug Todd excitedly. 'If that's what you really want, I'm really pleased for you,' he says into Todd's ear. His breath tickles, Todd pulls away slightly, to look Karl in the eye.

'Yeah, I want to do it. In fact, I've already spoken to the head at college and to Phil at work to find out how I should do it and manage to hang on to my job as well.'

'Wow, that sounds like serious planning to me. So you really want to do it now?'

'Yeah, I think so.'

'Why didn't you say anything before? Or have you told your mum already, she must be overjoyed.'

'I didn't want to say anything when I was sorting things out. Well, I still am… but I don't think I'll change my mind again. And I haven't told me mam yet, I'll tell her when it's all settled. You're the first person I've told.'

'The third you mean, after your head and your boss,' Karl says.

Todd looks at him, not quite sure if he's joking or not, then sees the smile. Karl's teasing him again, he should have got used to it by now.

'All right, so you are the third person I've told. But you're the first of the people who I… care about whom I've told. Happy now?'

'Very,' Karl says and kisses him briefly on the lips. Todd doesn't want the contact to end so soon and kisses him back, a gentle lingering kiss. He can feel Karl's smile, then Karl's tongue meets his, Karl's hands moving on his back and holding him tight. At last Todd pulls away, but not for long. Karl's looking at him, keeping his arms round him. Todd kisses him again, long and hard.

* * *

Todd closes his eyes, he doesn't want to go to sleep just yet, struggling to listen to what Karl's saying but feels that sleep's winning over. He is feeling warm and content, snuggled close to Karl. Karl's fingertips tickle him slightly, tracing some invisible pattern on his chest. Karl is silent for a moment and he's just drifting into sleep when Karl says his name.

'Todd?' Karl says again, softly, turning on to his side.

'Mmm,' Todd mumbles, he doesn't want to open his eyes.

'Are you awake?'

'Just about,' Todd says and makes a reluctant effort to open his eyes.

'I've been thinking… now that you're going back to school, would it be easier for us to see one another if we… got a flat together… or something?'

'What?' Todd asks, now wide awake.

'Only if you want to, it was just a thought, you probably want to stay at home. Forget I said anything.'

'No, I just… you took me by surprise, that's all. I hadn't thought about it.'

'About what?'

'Where I'm gonna study. I suppose I thought I'd do something during me breaks at work and hope mam lets me use the front room as a study again. I did think about getting me own place again but thought that I couldn't afford it when I won't be doing full hours any more.'

'So, you're staying at home then. It's OK,' Karl says, sounding slightly disappointed.

Todd turns his head to look at Karl in the eye and strokes his cheek, 'Unless… weren't you just saying that you want to get a flat with me?'

'I thought you didn't want to… but… it could be good. Wouldn't want to lose you to your exams and books completely.'

'I'll have to think about it… we have to think about it… but I'd like that.'

'Really?'

'Yeah.' Todd kisses him gently. 'Can I go to sleep now?' he asks, closes his eyes and snuggles into Karl.

Karl holds him and he's again drifting into sleep when he realises that Karl is talking to him.

'What now?' he asks.

'Nothing… I was just wondering what made you change your mind about your exams.'

The question takes Todd completely by surprise.

'I dunno. I just began to realise that I actually wanted to do it now. I suppose talking to Jon helped as well…' Todd breaks off mid-sentence, not sure if he wants to bring Jon into this discussion. He wishes he was properly awake, fighting the desire to close his eyes and dream away, enjoying sweet dreams of Karl, full of happiness he's felt tonight. He realises Karl is speaking and tries to focus on what he's saying.

'…said.' There a pause. Then Karl strokes his cheek. 'Todd? Are you still awake?'

'Yeah,' Todd mumbles and opens his eyes. 'What were you saying?'

'Nothing, forget it. Go back to sleep, we can talk about it later.'

'No, tell me.'

'Don't fall asleep on me then. It can wait.' Todd looks at him expectantly. 'I was just saying that sometimes it helps to talk to someone you've only just met because they don't know your previous history.'  
'Yeah, that's right. It was funny, talking to Jon, he was so excited about uni and studies, I'd totally forgotten what it felt like.'

'You've been seeing Jon a lot lately then?' It's such an innocent question, Todd thinks, and there's no hint in Karl's voice of anything but polite interest.

'A few times, yeah.'

Karl is silent for a while. Todd keeps his eyes on him but finds that in silence sleep is taking over, his eyelids feel heavier and heavier.

'Look, I shouldn't ask this… but…' Karl falters and Todd forces himself to get his eyes open.

'Let me guess, has Dan been talking to you, by any chance?'

Karl just stares at him. 'So something has happened? Or is it just in his imagination?'

'Jon warned me that he might have said something. I don't want to know what it was. But… I… well, I… snogged Jon the other night when I was out with Sean. I'm so sorry.'

'What for? Snogging him or me finding out? Look, if it was just kissing I don't really care. Or maybe I do… but when you never mention that you've been out talking to Jon, what am I supposed to think? If I remember right, you never used to mention me to Sarah – and that wasn't about talking about uni and studies, was it?'

'Let's not drag Sarah into this. I'm sorry, I should have said something, I was just worried that if I said I had seen Jon you'd just jump into conclusions after the other night when you got jealous.'

'So you kept quiet, you even got Sean to keep quiet… what was I supposed to think?'

'Well why didn't you say anything until now if you knew?'

'I wasn't sure… When I was talking to Sean after Dan rang me I knew he wasn't telling me the whole truth but I know Dan, I couldn't be sure what, if anything really, had happened. Well, after talking to Sean I knew something must have but… wasn't sure what it was. So if it was just drunken snogging, let's just forget about it.'

'How can you be so laid back about it? Do you really care…' Todd is surprised how angry he sounds and stops, half wondering what his mouth is saying, half by conscious effort not to introduce the topic of how much they care for one another.

'I asked you to live with me, remember! Would I ask that if I didn't lo… didn't want to be with you? So I think I do care for you. But I don't want to turn into Robbie, seeing things when there's nothing to be seen. You should have your own mates, no need to lie about seeing them. Not a very good boyfriend, am I, if you can't talk to me.'

'I'm sorry,' Todd whispers. 'I do want you, I want to live with you.'

Karl kisses him gently. 'Go to sleep. We can talk about this later. Sweet dreams.'

'Oh I will have them, sweet dreams about you,' Todd says and closes his eyes, snuggles closer to Karl.

Sleep comes to him almost immediately. But he thinks he hears Karl saying quietly, 'I love you… I… I think I'm in love with you,' the words blend into his dreams. They're good dreams, he's sure he keeps smiling all night.


	14. Chapter 14

Todd takes a break from his reading for a moment and glances at his watch. It's half three already, he should be on his way soon. He's spent most of the day in Number 11 with his old school books. It's barely two weeks until he's supposed to go back, it's high time he tried to recall even some of it. But it's not easy, there hasn't really been time – he and Karl have been organising their flat hunt over the past couple of days, he's been doing a few extra hours three times this week and is about to go on nights today. He isn't really looking forward to going to work tonight, he knows he will be very tired by the end of his shift. His only consolation is that Karl's gone on nights as well, and that he'll be escaping most night shifts from now, because of school, when this one's over. Karl's at his, probably still sleeping, which is why Todd took refuge in Number 11 for the day. He still hasn't told his mum that he's going to resit his A-levels, he just doesn't know how to start. He hasn't seen her today, so there hasn't been a chance to tell her – and if she'd seen his books, she'd known anyway. And he's not sure how she'll react, he hopes she won't make a huge fuss but wouldn't really put it past her to start boasting about him in the Rovers like him walking out of his exams didn't ever happen. In fact, he's almost convinced that she will. It's embarrassing to think about it but he knows she loves being proud of him to the neighbours, it's just her way.

He collects his books and packs them in his bag, then scribbles a note to his mum, saying that he dropped by. He wishes he didn't have to carry the books, they are surprisingly heavy, but there is no time to drop them off before he goes to see Jon; they have hardly talked during the past week, Todd's been too busy. He and Karl have been looking everywhere for a flat somewhere near Weatherfield General, not to far away from the college. They've been to look at a couple of flats but those were either too small, too awful or the rent too high. They've talked to an estate agent who has promised to call one of them if something comes up. She was very positive about everything and they feel almost certain that they find a place soon. They have been surprised how taxing flat-hunting can be. Eileen has been asking for them to drop by sometimes and been wondering why they are suddenly so busy. It's another thing Todd hasn't yet told her, moving in with Karl. He knows she likes Karl and knows that Todd's happy with him but he's not sure that she will be pleased about this decision. Maybe he'll drop both his bombs at the same time, he wonders. Another glance at his watch reminds him that he should really be going now.

* * *

In the bus Todd thinks about flat hunting. Why it seems to be so difficult to find somewhere suitable and affordable? Probably because everyone is after that combination, he thinks gloomily. Then his thoughts jump on a more general level. They made the decision so quickly, he muses. He's excited at the thought of living with Karl but he's apprehensive all the same. Will he have time to study? What if they just get on each other's nerves? What if they only use the little time they have together fighting? The questions follow one another but he's drawn out of his thoughts by the shock of the bus jolting into an unsteady stop to wait for the green light. Todd's mind wanders to what he think he heard Karl whispering to him the other night… but surely it was just a dream? He's not sure. Would Karl really be in love with him? Well, he said he wanted to live with him? But they both know there are other things influencing the decision to get a flat together. But what does it mean that Karl didn't get mad at him about Jon? That he cares for Todd and believes that Todd cares for him so that him snogging someone else is recreation, not something to be worried about because it has nothing to do with the two of them and what they feel for one another. But… maybe it means that Karl really doesn't care for him, not that much, that it was all a dream. Yes, it must have been only a dream, a weird little dream you sometimes see. And he's seen loads of weird dreams this summer. Yes, Karl likes him, fancies him and wants to be with him but that's all. Just like Todd likes Karl and fancies him and wants to be with him… but he isn't in love with Karl, not really. There was a time he thought he was but he knows it was mostly lust and relief of things making sense.

He almost misses his stop, he looks up just in time. When he's walking to Jon's he suddenly remembers what Sean once said, so matter-of-factly. That Karl's in love with him. So it's true then, is it? But then he remembers that Sean also said that Karl hasn't been talking, not much, so it was probably what Sean thought he saw in Karl, not what Karl actually feels. He sighs and silently curses his heavy bag full of books.

* * *

Todd finds himself curled up in Jon's armchair again, as if it had already become his place. Jon is lying on his unmade bed, listening to Todd telling him about his recent decisions. Jon is excited to hear about his return to school, promising to help in anything he can, if Todd wants or needs it. But the news of him moving in with Karl when they find somewhere suitable leaves Jon speechless for a moment.

'You're getting a flat together? That was rather quick, wasn't it?'

'Maybe… but I need somewhere with peace and quiet and me own desk.'

'Yeah, I suppose it's convenient. But… are you sure you're not rushing into things?'

'Maybe I am.' Todd pauses for a while, trying to formulate his thoughts into words. 'When I'm with him it feels great and right but sometimes when I'm on me own or talking to you I get this feeling that he's more serious about this than I am, he's been around, I haven't… I can't help wondering what it would be like… you know.'

'So that's why you kissed me the other night?' It's not a question but a statement. Jon continues after a while, 'Would you have come home with me if we hadn't been interrupted?'

'Probably. I'm not sure.'

'But you wanted it?'

'D'you need to ask?'

Jon shrugs, 'Not really. Ever fancied another go?'

'I'm not sure… I want us to be mates and I don't want to hurt Karl.'

'Karl doesn't have to know, I wouldn't tell anyone. And I can't see why we couldn't be mates if we slept together, be it just once out of curiosity or every now and then as part of how we are mates. It's all I can offer, I can't handle relationships. But either way, sex or no sex, it's not a big deal for me.'

Todd looks at him for a moment.

'So, are you still curious?' Jon asks. Todd nods. Jon doesn't say anything, just looks at him and Todd finds himself getting up from his chair and walking over to the bed. He hesitates for a moment, Jon smiles, takes his hand and pulls him down on the bed. Then Jon kisses him and Todd stops thinking, forgets his hesitations and kisses him back.

* * *

Todd is both relieved and disappointed when they are interrupted by his mobile ringing. He casts an apologetic glance at Jon when he gets up to answer it. It's the estate agent, saying she might have something for them. He arranges for them to go see the place tomorrow afternoon. When he rings off and turns back to face Jon he knows he won't get into his bed again today and it looks like Jon reads his expression and understands. Todd feels a twinge of disappointment at the thought; he's still curious. Especially as everything so far had been rather promising. But then the feeling of relief washes over him stronger than the disappointment of not finding out, at least he hasn't made a complete mess of things with Karl, he comforts himself, he can go back to Karl and their flat plans and know that he hasn't slept with anyone else. Well, he has wanted to and tried to and knows that he'll probably end up trying again one day but… Karl's not going to find out and besides, surely it doesn't count if your jeans are still on? And still fastened? Well, maybe it does count but the thought is at least a small consolation for him now that his guilt is taking over. He gets his shirt from the floor beside the bed where it seems to have found its way and puts it on slowly.

'There's no need to look that gloomy,' Jon says finally, 'unless you think you're really missing out something mind-blowing.'

Todd has to laugh at this. Jon has managed to relief the tension between them and they chat about nothing in particular before Todd has to go home and change before his shift. He hugs Jon as a matter of course before he goes. Feeling his body close for that brief moment Todd feels a slight bang of regret. But just a slight.

* * *

He's trying not to think about his afternoon in the bus. He's trying to concentrate on the flat they're going to see tomorrow, to his relief that he didn't do anything he shouldn't have, to the dream that might not have been just a dream. Then he realises he doesn't want to think about the dream-not-dream because if he does, he'll have to start thinking about what he feels and it's not something he wants to do right now. He shrugs and forces his mind to keep to hospital stuff, wondering how busy this night will be, if Tim has made up with his girlfriend after they had been rowing about something petty and trivial, how tired he's going to be, how many cups of coffee he's going to need during the night. And if he's going to take one of his textbooks to read during his breaks, which one should he take?

* * *

When he gets to Karl's they eat, Todd fills Karl in on the estate agent's call. They're cautiously hopeful although they know there's no point in getting too excited about something that probably manages to live down your already low expectations. After eating Todd is feeling increasingly sleepy and decides to have a quick nap before going to work. Karl promises to wake him up in time, he sits on the bed next to Todd, reading a book and stroking Todd's hair absentmindedly.


	15. Chapter 15

Sunday morning and Todd has dropped by in Number 11. He's sitting on the sofa while Eileen tries to get some ironing done.

'…I don't understand what's going on with her and poor Steve doesn't understand it either, she goes on as if nothing had happened, then she disappears and he's distraught with worry. Must be the grief…' Eileen stops abruptly, 'Sorry love.'

Todd realises she's stopped talking, he hasn't been listening, not really, thinking how to break his news to her. Anyway, if he'd tried, it would have been difficult to get a word in her litany of Street gossip. So he's been looking at her ironing but not seeing anything and letting the gossip flow over him, waiting for his chance. He pulls himself together. 'What? You were saying?'

'Never mind that, it was just something about Steve and Karen.'

'Mam…' Todd begins hesitantly.

'Yes love… Is something the matter? You and Karl haven't been rowing, have you?'

'No, nothing's the matter. I've just got something to tell you.'

'Well, what is it? It sounds serious.'

'Actually, there are two things.'

'Well?'

'I'm going back to college on Monday, I'm going back for a year to resit my A-levels.'

'Really? That's great news!'

'When did you decide? Why didn't you tell me sooner?'

'A few weeks ago. I wanted to make the arrangements first, make sure I wanted to do it. I didn't talk to anyone until I had everything planned. And I guess I kept putting off telling you because I reckoned you'd make a huge fuss. And mind you, I don't have any very definite plans about uni yet, so don't get your expectations up too much.'

'But this is the best news I've had in ages, I'm allowed to boast a little about my bright and sensible son.'

'Just a little then. I take it you're pleased?'

'Of course I'm pleased. But what made you change your mind?'

'I dunno, really. Talking to people who didn't know me then. Realising that I really don't want to be hospital porter all me life.'

'Talking of which, what happens to your job? Are you quitting?'

'No. I'll be working part-time, starting tomorrow, I've fixed it all with Phil. And the college know that I'm working so they've agreed to tolerate my occasional absences as long as I don't get behind in my coursework.'

'Are you sure you can manage? You don't have to work that hard, you know, you don't have a family to support anymore.'

'I know it'll be tough but I'll manage. But I need the money… it's the other thing I wanted to talk about. I'm moving in with Karl this week, we've got a flat together.'

Eileen is speechless. 'I didn't see that one coming,' she manages eventually. 'Why didn't you tell me… Oh I see, this is another one you wanted to arrange properly before breathing a word to anyone.'

'Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner.'

'So you've got a flat already?'

'Yeah, we've signed and paid the deposit, we'll be moving on Wednesday. It's quite nice actually.'

It's the flat the estate agent called him about when he was at Jon's. They liked it immediately, maybe it was a bit small but there was room enough for Todd to have some space, not forgetting peace and quiet, to study. And it was conveniently close to the hospital and not too bad for the college. Most importantly, it was something they could afford. However, they were on tenterhooks for a few days because there were others who were interested in it as well and initially Todd and Karl were told that they didn't get it. They were really disappointed but then the estate agent rang Todd again to tell them that the man who'd originally got it had changed his mind at the last minute and if Todd and Karl still wanted it, and they didn't hesitate for a second. They'll expect the move to be fairly easy, neither of them has lots of stuff. They can't wait to move in but Wednesday still seems far away.

'Oh. So all's settled then. You haven't been wasting any time. But why so soon, so suddenly? Are you sure you're not rushing into things?'

'Maybe we are. We just thought it was easiest if we want to go on seeing one another, with me running between here, the hospital and college it would be next to impossible. I need somewhere with some peace and quiet and room to scatter my books and notes in.'

'You could have the front room again, there's no need for you to move.'

'I know. But I was considering getting my own place anyway, so I grabbed my chance when Karl asked me.'

'So it was Karl's idea. Hmm.'

Todd isn't sure if she thinks it makes a difference, for better or worse, that it was Karl's idea to get a flat together. He makes a feeble effort to reassure her. 'It's going to be fine. Come on mam, how much time have I spent here recently anyway? I won't be far away.'

'Oh well, it's not like you haven't been on your own before… it's just I don't want you to get hurt.'

'I know mam. We'll be fine. You can come and inspect us when we've moved in.'

'You couldn't keep me away. Are staying or going?'

'I'll have to go now, I'm working later and I'll go to Karl's after that. I'll come here tomorrow after school, to sort out all me stuff.'

'Good, so we'll go for a drink tomorrow to celebrate your return to education.'

She hugs him tightly before he goes. 'I'm so proud of you.'

* * *

He's sitting in his usual place in Jon's room, the big armchair, looking at Jon sprawled all over his unmade bed and laughing at his story. Jon's dark brown hair is messy and uncombed, Todd wants to run his fingers through it, thinking it must feel soft. He gets up from his chair and walks over to the bed. Jon stops laughing and moves a little to one side, to give him room to lie down next to him. Todd pulls him closer and marvels the feel and warmth of Jon's body against his. Jon kisses him; there's nothing tentative about the kiss, it takes Todd's breath away. He pushes his body against Jon's, as close as he can get and runs his hands on Jon's back, trying to get at the skin. This time, nothing, not even a bomb dropping in the middle of the room can stop him from getting what he wants…

* * *

Todd opens his eyes, for a moment he isn't sure where he is. The dream he's just had felt so real, just thinking about it sends sparks of excitement all through his body. But then the dream recedes and he takes stock of his surroundings. The darkness in the room is familiar, he's in Karl's bed in Karl's room and Karl is sleeping peacefully next to him. Todd feels a stab of annoyance, he's nearly disgusted with himself – he fell asleep snuggled close to Karl after they had been making love, now he's wide awake after dreaming about having sex with Jon. After dreaming about enjoying having sex with Jon, he corrects himself. He sighs and gets up and once again sits down on the couch to have a think.

He has been avoiding thinking about Jon as much as he can. Besides, he's been busy and generally when he's with Karl he has hardly any problems in keeping his thoughts Jon-free. But when he's on his own, or like now, awake in the middle of the night, thoughts of Jon creep into his mind. He can't really handle the situation. Jon said it wouldn't be a big deal if they had sex. But he thinks it would be a huge deal for him if they did. It would be serious cheating. He's not sure if what he's done so far would count as cheating – is not telling Karl about wanting to sleep with Jon cheating, is not telling him that he's tried to? Maybe he should stop kidding himself. But if the sex is just part of how he and Jon are mates? It wouldn't be an affair or a relationship or anything, just something that happens. After all, Jon doesn't make him feel like Karl does. But he knows that if Karl found out, he would be hurt and the fact would remain that Todd has lied to him. It wouldn't make any difference that it's part of how Jon and him are mates. So there's nothing to it but to exercise greater self-control from now on, he thinks. And try to stop flirting with Jon.

Or maybe he should just do it, have sex with Jon, then he would know. End of curiosity, he could put the thoughts out of his mind. And it all could be disappointing which would make forgetting easier. But he doubts his ability to live with a secret like that.

He reminds himself that he used to be lying outright to Sarah, saying he was doing extra shifts when he was seeing Karl, used to tell half-truths as when he said he was going for a drink with mates but in actual fact had a drink with Karl and generally avoided letting her know about Karl. So he's done it all before. He was confused some of the time and made more confused by his desire to do the right thing without never really stopping to think about what it did to him – these things don't make his deception anything other than it was, deception. He's done it once, he could probably manage it again. But he doesn't want to lie to Karl. Is it really that simple?

Maybe he just thinks too much. Is everything quite this complicated and confusing to everybody else, too? Suddenly something his mum once said pops into his mind. Something about two men in a relationship. That it would be twice as bad as just one man. Or something. He has always thought that he's not like other men, men in general (if any such men really exist), that he's faithful and loyal and honest. But he's done all that and he's on the brink of doing it again.

Maybe everything would be simpler if he knew that he loved Karl. He's stopped thinking about it because he doesn't know. He can't know it for sure. Sometimes it feels like it, sometimes it doesn't. But he's pretty sure he wouldn't toy with the idea of sleeping with Jon if he did love Karl.

He yawns, it's time to get back to bed, tomorrow he'll go back to school, he needs his sleep. He gets up from the couch and makes his way to the bed. When he gets in Karl opens his eyes.

'Have you been up?'

'Yeah, for a while. Weird dreams and I felt wide awake.'

'Nervous about tomorrow? It's going to be fine. Try to get some sleep now.' Karl pulls him closer. 'I love you,' he whispers and kisses Todd lightly.

This time Todd believes him.

_The end._


End file.
